FOREVERKINS

Foreverkens

2011-12-13T22:33:00.000-08:00

new release

2010-09-10T14:15:00.000-07:00

Solve for X

2010-09-09T19:58:00.000-07:00

MALCOLM X

X=JAMAL WERNER:

MALCOLM X = MALCOLM JAMAL WARNER

MALCOLM X

X=IN THE MIDDLE

MALCOLM X = MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE

MALCOLM X

X=MCDOWELL

MALCOLM X = MALCOLM MCDOWELL

Yellow Journalism

2010-08-31T21:21:00.000-07:00

Fictitious Business Name (Doing Business As) "MIAMI ADVICE"

2010-08-18T19:59:00.000-07:00

Philip Michael Thomas has filed for a DBA (Doing Business As) for his services of talent scout and agent in the greater Dade County area under the Fictitious Business Name of "Miami Advice". Previously Mr. Thomas sold jacuzzi's, baths and large containing units under the business name "Tubbs Tubs". He is an investor in Miami Vice co-star Donald Johnson's line of cooking products known as "Crocketts Crock Pots and More". Philip Michael Thomas is best known for playing the role of "Jesse" in the 1978 film "Death Drug".

SS Sultana Shreds

2010-04-28T14:26:00.000-07:00

Back in -1865 BC, the SS Sultana decided to try something new, for a boat. Something different. "Let's see what's BELOW the water," it implied, through direct wording. "Let's find out."

Portholes were cut into the bottom of the boat, but glass, as it so often finds the time in it's "busy" schedule to do, interfered.

"Fuck you, glass," said the boat.

"Your place or mine?" said the glass.

"Burn!" said the water.

"Burn?" said the boat... "Idea!"

"What do you want?" said Idea.

"I've got an idea," said the boat, ignoring that drunken idiot Idea.

Idea went back below deck with his ceramic jug stamped with 11 X's followed by a few T's, which were crossed out emphatically by further X's. "I've gotta get some more X's on this jug," he muttered to himself.

"You sure you don't want to give it some more T's, you drunk?" asked glass. Boat laughed. Good job, glass.

Water didn't understand.

On April 27, 1865, the SS Sultana, with the assistance of Robert Louden's coal torpedo, suffered an explosion and went diving down into the rancid river. Immediately, the boat regretted it's decision. The 2400 passengers on board did as well, trying their hardest not to drown in the disgusting waters of the Mississippi. "On my headstone," announced one man, through a final splay of bubbles floating up to the murky surface, "please leave my location of drowning blank. Or perhaps a question mark. Or perhaps the mighty Amazon, where the Brazilian female soccer team is rumoured to bathe. Oh dear, asphyxia..."

Around 1600 victims were victimized that day, while around 800 survivors are thought to have survived. The boat wrote a book about what it saw under the water, but it is so boring that no publisher has been willing to release it.

Kitty Glitter

2010-04-19T13:43:00.000-07:00

This exists!

Happy Anniversary Foreverkins

2010-04-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

It's been one year girl. I bet you knew this day would come...isn't that right?

Now, let's relax and get you out of those clothes. You must be tired.

Let's put on some music to calm those nerves, such sensual nerves you have.

I Love You - Vanilla Ice

Yeah, that's right, this song is my tribute to you. Those there, well, those are rose petals on the bed, and yes, I am wearing really strong cologne - it's all for you, girl! You know you like it.

Happy Anniversary!

Saint Patrick's Day Segues

2010-03-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

So, it's Saint Patricks Day everyone (you), Ireland's national holiday. There are probably hoards of people celebrating as we speak. Speaking of Ireland, what happened to U2? Are they still around? I haven't listened to a new U2 song in a long time. If I found myself listening to a new U2 song, I bet I wouldn't like it, but I'd enjoy not liking it because it would affirm my prediction of not liking it, and I would have won a bet with myself. Speaking of bets, has anyone here (you) been to Las Vegas recently? Wow, what a great place, eh? I mean, where else in the desert would you want to be than a no-holds barred cluster fuck of degrading indulgence and tawdry architecture? I mean, it's the first thing that comes to mind when imagining the hot desert, right. Speaking of cluster fucks, can you people believe the state of affairs in D.C.? Actually, I (you) probably shouldn't get into politics here because of my (your) short temper when it comes to arguing. Hey, speaking of temperatures, how's the temperature where you are? It's nice in San Francisco today, with a chance of kindness tomorrow. OH, ZING! Speaking of zings, I have not been there, but their website plays some sultry-ass music - "after dark". Apparently, their trademark tag-line is "Our food is like sex in your mouth", which means a variety of things to different people, which is why they went out of business just now as you were reading this.

Speaking of reading, I have some stories, let me tell you: Once upon a time... j/k! Let's get real: Deep in outerspace, there lived a bi/curious space-wizard named Stewart who, through space-alchemy, controlled the... yeah, right, his name would not be Stewart - Good job!

Speaking of Stewart, I like Star Trek, especially Jean-Luc Pacard (aka Patrick Stewart). He knows how to take a botched intergalactic massacre and turn it into casual, quality television.

Now that we are back to Patrick, have a happy Saint Patrick's Day.

New Product: Foreversink!

2010-03-11T00:10:00.000-08:00

We are proud to announce the arrival of our first, fresh, brand-newest product, the Foreversink! This fine specimen of household, kitchen, bathroom, shed, darkroom, laundryroom-ware is brought to you exclusively by us hardworking folk here at Foreverkins, and Science.

The foreversink can do it all: introduce water, both hot and cold, drain water, and its great in the bedroom. It can also hold objects within it's confines. It can be used as a paperweight; but we recommend drying it first... you don't want to get Uncle Tiffany's last will and testament wet! What would Judge Cyndi Lauper say at the wake when you try to collect on his thousands? Not very nice words, I'm guessing. Probably a lecture about the process paper undergoes from it's creation in a cocoon (goodbye wood mulch!) to it's final resting place in a trash can fire (hello warm hobos!). While the lecture would provide a lot of useful information regarding a product you use on a daily basis and completely take for granted, you could be spending that time spending Uncle Tiffany's thousands on a whale watching tour off Girls Gone Wild Island, in the Gulf of Mexico.

The foreversink will literally last forever, as will the engraved message "tell your friend or friends or mailman about foreverkins.blogspot.com today!". This will remind you that English is the one and only true language.

Good washings!

==Dashers Dashers==

2010-01-05T23:48:00.000-08:00

January 5, 1974, scientists in Antarctica report that the warmest day in Antarctican history has been achieved with a Fahrenheit measurement of 59 degrees symbol. In Celcius, 59 would be a very warm day by American standards ("The Only Standards or We'll Spill Yer Tea!") and about average for the Death Valley July 4th festival and hot dog cookout, just don't fire off your fireworks you fun havers.

Upon discovery of this warm day, the scientists shimmied out of their scientist clothes and held open their arms to the still very quiet sun, scientist bodies bared for all to see. Then, the wine. One scientist declared proudly, "Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?"

But one scientist watched from indoors with a big crappy frown on that small scientific face. He knew what this meant: Global Warming. "Just you wait," he said quietly, ominously, camera zoomed in, pull out, zoom away... He watched, whispering "just you wait," until one of the scientists, in for more wine glasses, noticed him and said, "One peanut butter sandwiches, Ah Ah Ah!!"

Who Knew?

2009-10-19T21:50:00.000-07:00

I did not think that this blog would be so neglected as time went on, but I think it might be the nature of most blogs, destined to die out and live only in the annals of history. Hopefully FOREVERKINS had the chance to make it to at least one annal of history - that of awesomeness.

For the three of us writers, we've been away enjoying the fruits of lives filled with other distracting joys, which include reading other blogs, updating our facebook accounts with meaningless jabber, working on things we don't care about, watching bloodsport, avoiding cleaning, table tennis, listening to midi's, and other things. Good for you that you don't plan on reading this blog, and, in fact, you are not even doing so now. You are just going from image to image and this is understandable.

In history, much has happened that has not happened, but we will get to that later when we have the time to remember to get back to figuring out what did happen so we can write about what didn't happen. In this oath lies the truth of our journey.

That's right: WE ARE HIGHLANDERS - All of us! You figured it out, and therefore get a merit badge!

"There will only be one", as they say, as I say, and I'm pretty sure that will be me since I'm the only one smart enough to wear turtlenecks with titanium-bracing, ensuring my head stays where I want it. It's also super stylish!

Anyways, hope all is well. Stay in touch!

XOXO,
100%

Wiiiiiiii!

2009-09-23T12:32:00.001-07:00

Today is the 120th birthday of Nintendo, a company founded in 1889 by a couple of down in the dumps plumber brothers. When Mario, the older but shorter and more round brother, lost his girlfriend during a drinking binge, he decided to get her back. He ate a mushroom for protein and set out, punching bricks and stomping bugs and small animals along the way. His younger (but taller) brother Luigi came running behind, trying to prevent Mario from causing any damage that would put the brothers in the poorhouse. Mario punched a brick, and when it burst open there was a gold coin inside. He showed this to a local merchant, who offered to trade it for a golden star. Mario ate the golden star and felt invincible. He started running around like a maniac, humming songs without lyrics, until he finally collapsed and died from the star that he had eaten.

Luigi dedicated the company in his honor. Since there were no TVs or video games back then, Luigi sat in his basement and invented them. Today, Luigi is 157 years old.

A funny thing happened on the way to lazy...

2009-09-21T23:40:00.000-07:00

Howdy cadets! Today is September 22, 2009, which means that it is the first day of fall and the last day of wearing a snorkel and swim shorts to class. This is also the day, 3 years ago, that the nation of bleach-safe colors decided to retire the F-14 Tomcat, a fine jet plane whose wings tucked in towards the body and whose die-cast metal version tasted very metallic.

The F-14's retirement, like most, occurred 3 days before retirement in a bloody shoot out with the Colombians that drove our angered hero to get out there and keep the plot moving, shirtless and shining.

The F-14's retirement, like most, was spurred by its decision to stop trying to compete with a newer TomKat, one formed by the combination of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (whose wings tuck in towards their bodies, and whose die-cast version taste very metallic).

Speaking of laziness, what's the deal, right us? I think it's time for internet blog boot camp for the likes of Dylan, Aaron, and I, amiright?

Today is another day

2009-09-15T08:01:00.000-07:00

Posts have been rare because we've been busy. You love the suspense, I know.

Emerson did laundry and house chores, Dylan ate two whole subway footlong sandwiches in one sitting, and I sat in my apartment looking out the window a lot. When I say busy, I mean busy!

Today is Sept. 15, 2009, which means I turned 28 nine days ago. That's all the wonderful history you get for today!

Here's a song I've enjoyed for a while:

Stuh-Stuh-Stuh-Stutter

2009-08-24T00:20:00.000-07:00

In the summer of 2009 I decided to develop a stutter. I surprised my mom with it first, unveiling it in the very first text message I ever sent her ("i fee-fee-fee-feel like chi-chi-chi-chicken tonight, li-li-li-"), and then performing it through an entire dinner that she spent clenching her teeth tightly and scraping her fork against her plate. When I was washing the dishes later I saw that she had scraped the words "idiot son" into her plate. Success!

A few days later I sent my boss an email asking for a private meeting. He replied with "anytime" and so I marched over, closed the door behind me, and sat down. "What can i do for you?" he asked politely. "Weh-weh-weh-weh-weh-weh-weh-well..." I began, and smiled to show relief when I finally got the word out. He smiled nervously back. "Weh-weh-weh-weh-weh-well, suh-suh-suh-sir..." I continued, and again paused to smile with false relief. "I be-beh-beh-believe that I ha-ha-have been do-dooooo-do-dooooo..."

"Doing?" my boss offered. I smiled. I opened my mouth to start again, and he stopped me. "What do you want? A raise? You have been doing a good job. A raise it is. Yes, a raise. Three percent?"

"Weh-weh-weh-weh-weh-weh-weh..." I started.

"Five percent!" he said, and he looked at the door to his office with a look that said "escape is so close, yet so far away..."

I smiled, then concentrated: "Weh-weh-weh-weh..."

"Ten percent!" he shouted gleefully, and here he jumped up, shook my hand, mumbled something about coffee and clients and meetings, and ran out of his office. Success!

Read more about my stuttered adventures this fall when my self-help book, "Stutter Your Way to Success" is released. It's sure to be a real home run!

Damn Straight

2009-08-18T14:38:00.000-07:00

You never know who's going to get you in the dark, when no one is looking but the moon and the trees and the earth below. It could be the devil, or it could be Pete Rose. It could be a little cat with long arms or a ghost with low self-esteem. All could be silent at this moment, but all will not be still. Take heed knowing that I know your name and your story, or don't.

On this day in history - August 18 - someone, somewhere, was abducted by aliens or Pete Rose. No one knows for sure, except Pete Rose. It is sad to think that someone is sitting in a basement (alien or Pete Rosian) without hope. By pointing this out, I've assuredly informed a necessary fear we all must have when walking alone at night.

Don't think it can't happen? It will happen, every August 18th, forever. When Pete Rose dies, the aliens will take over, and when the aliens die, Pete Rose's ghost will start it up. This is no laughing matter. I mean, I am kind of laughing, but I shouldn't be. I'm actually laughing at something unrelated. Back on track, I could be next for all I know; Next in line to lose it all! Hey, don't say I didn't warn you. You're all going to die one day. Might as well not think that day is far away. Might as well embrace the ghost of Pete Rose, the living, breathing Pete Rose and the intention of an anthropomorphic alien that wants to abduct you.

Sleep!

2009-08-13T22:25:00.000-07:00

If sleep was a video game it would be broken down into difficulty settings which would be given clever names to demonstrate the user's skill level who would be able to accomplish sleep at that skill level. The first would be easy: "Captain Catnaps". At this setting the user is given a soft bed in a dark room in a quiet neighborhood. The air would be mild, and the user would be given adequate time to leak the lizard before setting down. As the round progresses, slight things might occur in an attempt to stir the sleeper, but nothing too major.

The next level of difficulty would be medium: "Sergeant Snores". Here, the room isn't as dark, cars pass occasionally, and the air is just a little bit too warm. Sometimes through the night a pet dog might come in, investigate the sleeper, then leave. A neighbors TV can be heard quietly through the wall. Navigate your way to victory, sleeper!

The hard level would be "Rip Van Winkle". Here, the user is required to sleep in a room with a buzzing neon sign shining in to a room too hot while roommates watch and cheer sports and randomly come in and out of the front door, slamming it each time, shaking the whole house each time, calling to each other from one side of the house to the other to bring more beer, then maybe engage in noise contests. Occasionally a round of karaoke might break out. The sleeper does not have access to any weapons.

Cheat mode would be called "Ambien". Using cheats, sleeper can unlock a difficulty mode that maybe .01% of participants will be able to beat: "Coma".

What difficulty level do you sleep at?

Internet Magic

2009-08-08T13:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the internet is like a giant Easter Egg Hunt. Not in that romanticized way that you see on TV when they show that White House version with little girls in white dresses on well manicured lawns finding brightly colored eggs, I'm talking about the kind normal kids have. You know the type, running about the dirtiest corners of your backyard trying to find grey-brown splotchy eggs that you made the night before trying to create a rainbow by dipping the egg into all the colors. The greatest discovery you make is usually nothing to do with Easter. It may be an old toy, a rusted piece of silverware, dried animal scat, or maybe even one of last years eggs and an odor that 16 years of huffing metallic paint won't chase away the memory of. Sometimes though, you find a lost treasure, something long forgotten and magical. Well, today I asked the internet for an image of a Sloe Gin Fizz cocktail, and it gave me this :

All Quiet on the Western Front

2009-08-04T00:15:00.000-07:00

August 4th, 1993: A federal judge sentences LAPD officers Stacey Koon and Laurence Powell to 30 months in prison for violating motorist Rodney King's civil rights, a decision which doesn't upset anybody very much.

Fresh on the Wire: Man Loops Earth in Record Time!

2009-07-22T21:43:00.000-07:00

July 22, 1933: American Adventureman Wiley Post has done it, ladies and gentleman, he has circled the earth in record time, on his own accord with no company but the heat from the skies and the cold moisture from the ocean below! Dear Icarus, we have a winner! This American bandit stole the hearts of all the young lassies waiting for his landing and sold them to the commies, then took the hearts back purely out of greed and kept the cash, indeed he did! Wiley Post, you are a true American hero!

Fake Out

2009-07-21T17:27:00.000-07:00

It's been twenty years since Milli Vanilli broke the hearts of the world when they revealed that they were not the ones singing on their album, a conclusion some may have come to when they first heard them speak and realized they couldn't pronounce a single English word. Now listen, that first Milli Vanilli album is totally awesome, whoever sang it. I don't care if it was sung by The New York Differently-abled C. Thomas Howell Impersonators Choir, I love it. Nowadays we have pop stars who can't sing, but they just autotune the hell out of their voices. We know they don't write their own music or play any instruments, the only difference was the people behind Milli Vanilli could actually sing. I guess my point is this, all current pop music is awful and must be stopped, or Milli Vanilli should be revered as gods.

Here's the thing...

2009-07-20T22:20:00.000-07:00

As all Christian nations know, God gathered all the leaders of Christian countries together and said "guess what, here's the thing: whoever touches the most things, that's who I'll love!" So these nations sent out their best explorers to go out and touch all types of shit, like mountain tops, billy goats, ocean floors, you name it! But when they gathered again, God was all "looks like these motherfuckers got themselves a tie!" So America sent out spies and Russia and Britain too, they all sent out these spies to figure out what the other countries had already touched, and if there was anything else on earth that they could touch that would give them the advantage. Well, guess what? There wasn't shit. But JFK, he was too smart for the rest of them. "We're going to touch something that ain't no other player anywhere else has touched, by god. We're going to touch the god damn moon."

It's only too sad that he wasn't alive to see it, but he was probably up there with the angels giving high-fives when on June 20, 1969, Neil Armstrong told Houston "this is some steps, y'all! Not even just for this man, but also for mankind!" What he didn't realize though, is that it was for Americankind, because from then on God told those other countries to fuck off and gave America all of His almighty love.

And that's the truth.

It don't mean butt if it ain't got that jutt!

2009-07-15T07:46:00.001-07:00

June 15, 1752: Ben Franklin (BFF or "Ben Franklin Forever" to his friends) proves that lightning is actually electricity. On the same day he dribble-drived to produce an illegitimate son, drove to the basket by inventing bifocals and threw in the franklin stove for the slam dunk. He is quoted as saying the next day, "It don't mean butt if it ain't got that jutt", in reference to his gunboats, which he'd show off daily at mass and in public restrooms.

Nucular... it's pronounced Nucular...

2009-07-14T18:15:00.000-07:00

The first US nuclear meltdown occured July 14, 1959 in an unincorporated area of Ventura County, in-between Simi Valley and Chatsworth. A local reactor experienced a power surge, causing it to overreact and blow it's top, then slowly melt down like an out of work actress coming to terms with her failed career, giving everybody around her cancer. Yes, it melted down like a piece of chocolate set down in the middle of the desert on the hottest day of the year, contaminating everything in a 3 mile radius. Melted down, yes yes, like an unincorporated writer jabbering on about nonsense and somesense, causing the nearby plantlife to glow ominously, like ghosts. Like me. Please like me!

Hottest Day in US History!

2009-07-10T11:11:00.000-07:00

July 10, 1913, Death Valley hits 134 (degrees button) Fahrenheit, setting the record for the hottest day in recorded US weather record keeping history. "Why, that's hot enough to cook an egg!" says good old Pete. "I'll bet you it ain't!" says Pete back to himself. "You're on!" Right hand shakes left hand and he goes to grab a metal bowl. He sets the bowl in the middle of the heat, right down in the thick of it, and he breaks the egg and pours it in. In his left hand, he holds a fork. In his right hand, a knife. Around his neck a bib is tied, and he licks his chops in hunger and anticipation. "You're a fool for taking this bet," he says, unsure of which argument he says it for. The sun beats down. The bowl gets hotter, and the egg shows signs of cooking. "Son of a bitch!" he cries, upset and ecstatic to win and lose the bet, and he jumps up and runs in a single circle, then passes out from heat exhaustion.

Dedicated to Good Old Pete.

Roswell, let's put you on the map!

2009-07-08T22:00:00.000-07:00

July 8, 1947, radios around the world broadcast the exciting news that a UFO has been discovered in Roswell, leading to an immediate response from Egyptian radio saying, "bullshit, Ra didn't have a well, and besides, it would be retarded for anybody to fly any object, identified or not, inside of a well," leading to another immediate response from American radio saying "no you idiot, Roswell, a small city in New Mexico which from this point forward will gain a tourist industry consisting primarily of Art Bell's audience, who is Art Bell? you'll soon find out, thank you, but we understand your confusion, ha ha, ha." The thing about UFOs is that any drunk will tell you that anything can be unidentified as long as you don't know what it is. No, LISTEN, think about it! What if I built a hot air balloon and painted a giant melty face on it, NO, a giant melty MONKEY face on it, then what would you think? Would you know what it is?

oh yeah, I belatedly apologize in advance for the laziness of our blog, mostlyneverkins... we'll try to get caught up sooner than later and the world can be nice and warm and snuggly again until 2012, when the sky starts falling.

50 Cent gets born!

2009-07-06T17:39:00.000-07:00

50 Cent was born July 6, 1975. With inflation, that would make him 97 Cent today. Happy birthday, shorty! Now drink some Bacardi!

Three Frames

2009-07-04T16:12:00.000-07:00

Today, July 4th, 2009, I just discovered the website "Three Frames" from a facebook posting (thanks Rob). I love this website. This isn't really a historical fact, but you don't care, do you? No you don't! Here are some of my favorites:

Saturday, In the Park...

2009-07-04T14:00:00.000-07:00

I think it was the fourth of July...

WalMart!

2009-07-02T15:45:00.000-07:00

The first Walmart opened July 2nd, 1962, which also happens to be the middle day of the year, now you know. People lined up overnight in high hopes that finally all of their wall needs would be answered, only to discover that the "wal" in the name referred to the founder's last name, Sam Walton, and not to the overwhelming need for a store that only sold various types of walls ("from dry to brick, we got your pick!"). Some of the crowd started to leave in an orderly fashion, but then an atheist anarchist pro-life democrat (we can only assume) shouted "fuck it, let's riot!" So they rushed in, tore out the walls and carried them away, unsure of where to put them (these were not the walls they were looking for). Clever old Sam quickly rushed around saying, "why don't you pay to store them over here at my storage space?" (which was secretly his store). So the people paid, and the walls went back where they were torn from, and a group of hard-working Americans got the store back in shape and it went on to be the biggest thing since my mother in law (hey-ohhh!!). Please shop there.

Foreverkins is brought to you by Wall Mart.

"old enough to fight, old enough to vote"

2009-06-30T10:09:00.000-07:00

June 30, 1971 - Ohio ratified the 26th Amendment, officially dropping the voting age to 18. The vietnam war and it's heavily unsupported draft brings about this change amidst cries of "old enough to fight, old enough to vote!". The idea is that if you're old enough to get sent overseas to die, you should be old enough to weigh in on the decisions leading there. It's still sort of a raw deal though, if you think about it. How many of us actually get a chance to vote as soon as we turn 18? Only those born around late October or early November in any year that falls 2 years before (or after) a leap year. Those few might get a chance to punch ballots before they get sent off to die, or worse (kill?), but I know that if I was in that position I wouldn't feel any sense of relief knowing that I was allowed to cast a vote before I got put overseas to fight in a war that I didn't believe in (which is no war, to be fair). I personally believe that the draft should never be enacted unless it's required to defend the country, but never ever to attack another country, or to get involved with a war that isn't our business.

Travalena Man

2009-06-29T22:17:00.000-07:00

Fred Travalena has joined the ranks of the deceased this week, after a bout with cancer. For those who don't remember, Fred Travalena was the host of the 80's show "Anything For Money" where people get bribed to humiliate themselves for some cash. God bless the mystery of America. He also was a voice for many cartoons including The Smurfs and Shirt Tales. He hosted celebrity roasts and did impressions. So on this refreshing and lovely Summers eve, pour a little out for old Fred.

No Sham-Way!

2009-06-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

This morning an orange glow left Billy Mays' oxycotin clean body, delivered to the mighty putty in the sky with no additional shipping or handling.

I am a huge Billy Mays fan and was really really sad to hear this news. I hope that if I'm ever in a drastic enough position to be visited by some sort of spirit guide to get my life back in order that it's Billy Mays with his yelling voice and expressive hand movements who comes to get me back in action. I'll let Billy finish this post on his own:

The Coney Island Cyclone - Let's Make a Metaphor!

2009-06-26T23:54:00.000-07:00

The Coney Island Cyclone opened June 26, 1927, and New York City businessmen wearing suits and carrying briefcases lined up immediately. The businessmen paid their 25 cents and climbed aboard, unfolded their newspapers, lit their tobacco, and crossed their legs, checking their pocketwatches frequently to make sure they weren't running late for another busy day at the markets. The cars left the station, climbing a steep grade. Several men folded their newspapers to the next page, noticing the view as they did so and commenting on how absolutely marvelous it was. Then the car peaked, and swooped downhill. The businessmen did their best to hold the newspapers in place, smoke their pipes, and hold discussions on how marvelous everything was going as the cars made tight turns, shot up and swooped down and finally coasted back into the station, where the brakes slowed the coaster and brought it to a stop.

The businessmen folded up their papers and tucked them under their arms as they climbed out, disoriented by the ride, but more notably confused that the coaster had unmistakably brought them back to the same station they took off from. "Why, this isn't my stop!" declared one man, which brought the matter to the full attention of all the other men. "Perhaps we need to find one going the other direction!" said another man, and they all followed him to the Thunderbolt. Again, they climbed aboard, lit their tobacco and unfolded their newspapers, crossed their legs as the cars left the station, only to find themselves in the same place as they had left. "Wrong direction, wrong direction!" yelled the businessmen, and they hustled back to the Cyclone, checking their watches and tucking their newspapers under their arms.

They went back and forth like this for quite a while, until finally, on October 29, 1929, the Stock Market crashed and the businessmen lost their jobs. And that was the start of the Great Depression. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Dance Sucka, Dance!

2009-06-24T12:41:00.000-07:00

June 24, 1374: Citizens in the streets of Germany start dancing uncontrollably, hallucinating, twitching, and jumping about like wild savages until finally collapsing from exhaustion. Dancing Mania has struck again! Science has no clue as to why this is happening. Some modern theorists say a basic form of LSD was responsible, but modern anti-theorists say "no way, Jose, LSD doesn't cause uncontrollable dancing". My theory is that Bill and Ted stopped by during one of their time travel adventures and rocked the town so hard that they couldn't stop dancing until their faces were pressed against cold gravel, their bodies too exhausted to even pee their own pants. What do you think happened?

Heeeere's St. Peter!

2009-06-23T17:23:00.000-07:00

Today, Ed McMahon died. He was most famous for being the old guy on the Cash 4 Gold commercials. Now he is in Heaven announcing people as they arrive. When Jack Nicholson dies, it would make me so happy if he was there waiting with a hearty "Heeeeeere's Johnny!". That is of course as long as he didn't end up in that other place.

How About It, Science?

2009-06-22T16:01:00.000-07:00

Hey Science, how about a strip of land 2 miles wide and 12,000 miles long that is suspended up 20,000 feet above the earth's surface, which moves with the placement of the sun, allowing all of the areas of the strip to always experience the same time of day? People could purchase pieces of land dependent on what their favorite part of the day is and build pools in the middle, where the sun is always up-top center, or large wooden porches towards either end, where the sun is always either rising or setting. There would be defensive missile pods for the times when the strip moves over hostile nations down on boring old earth, and there would be constant streams of transport to bring food and other goods back and forth between the strip (where vegetables could flourish in areas where science knows best) and boring olde earth down below. Elimination would be easy: dump it in the ocean! Fresh water would be easy too: control the weather! Make a part of the strip always rainy so people from boring old Seattle could be happy and play their grunge music and provide the rest of us with fresh water! As for me, I'll be living somewhere between 4pm and 5pm, but I'll have houses at Sunset and Noon as well, for when I want to go swimming (noon), or kick back with a romantic glass of Don Chemile's Romantic Wine (sunset). Also, as the inventor of this strip, I will have girlfriends in every part of the day, from dawn to dusk, and i will sleep in their beds and couches. Get to it, Science.

We have a Winger!

2009-06-21T16:14:00.000-07:00

Kip Winger, from the band Winger on the album Winger sang a song called Seventeen. The song had lyrics about how a 17 year old fit him like a glove and and how “daddy” says she’s too young, but she’s old enough for him. When he wasn’t singing songs about statutory rape, he mainly focused on the grooming of his hair. He would take like 4 hours to hairspray his hair up, once he even trained some spider-monkeys to work on scaffolding he had erected around his head just to get an extra couple of inches(too bad it wasn’t rats trained to rat his hair, it would have been so damn literal.). His clothes were perfectly torn so he always had one peek-a-boo nipple, which was way cool, but not as cool as the Ratt song “Way Cool Junior”.
Happy birthday you deliriously pretty and hairy man.

Ain't No Fountain of Slime Youth!

2009-06-20T20:47:00.000-07:00

Nickelodeon Slime has been linked to eventual death, experts say, in a report which also listed Teddy Ruxpins, cassingles, and Jr. High School as other definite links to human beings' eventual demise. The report states that 100% of people slimed on popular Nickelodeon shows such as Double Dare, You Can't Do That on Television, Finders Keepers, and Family Double Dare will eventually lose their ability to continue living and will have to relocate their body to either a grave, an urn, or a rocking chair in a spooky attic with a window facing the street. At least one man, a Mr. Hubert T Higgins of Cattleprod Lane, was disappointed to learn that the slime did not grant everlasting life.

Here's The Thing...

2009-06-19T10:15:00.000-07:00

Nothing interesting has ever occurred on June 19th.

Thanks For The War, Thanks For The Music

2009-06-18T17:41:00.000-07:00

Take a chance on me to tell you the story of June 18th 1815 and the end of the Battle of Waterloo. Napoleon was a small man but he was a super Trooper. He rode around on a horse named Fernando and always had his hand in his coat. What was he hiding? A sock puppet? Money, Money, Money? A Chiquitita Banana? Nope, it was a boomerang, and he would ride around saying “Voulez-Vous avec boomerang?”. He wouldn’t even wait to hear the answer before out of the blue “Bang!”, a boomerang would hit you upside the head. When Napoleon first met Queen Victoria he pulled his little trick on her. The pain sent her hopping about the room and all Napoleon did was point and laugh “look at the dancing Queen!”. This made Victoria angry who challenged the small man to a winner takes it all battle, and the name of the game was war. There were many times the Queen wanted to give up and send out an S.O.S. when she was under attack, but she didn’t give in. The war went on and on and on until finally, Napoleon was knocked head over heels. He tried to plead with the Queen to let him go by saying “Gimme gimme gimme a chance!” and staring at her with his angel eyes, but she threw him in jail to rot.

So long Napoleon, and Abba nice day.

Part of This Complete Breakfast

2009-06-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

On June 17, 1994 Al Cowlings led police on the world's slowest televised chase because he didn't want to spill his glass of OJ all over the back of his white bronco. He was on the run from the coppers because of a deal gone bad with the Cash for Gold Man who tried to sell him a brown nickel(crazier things have happened!). Magic carpets flew overhead capturing everything for the world to see with their NASCAR numbered video cameras while the citizens watched at home breathlessly waiting to see if the glass of OJ would spill itself over or not. Eventually, Al Cowlings steered his white steer into the barn where he first picked up the glass of OJ and the orange citizens of the world were happy that the glass of OJ hadn't spilled over but a lot of the other people wanted to see that OJ spilled out for breaking the wooden nickel in half, and for stabbing the Cash for Gold Man about a thousand times. Swear to god.

Bad People do Bad Things

2009-06-16T09:26:00.000-07:00

June 16, 1967: Ike Turner was probably beating Tina Turner on this day. He just liked beat-downs.

Who's Bad?

You Say Potato, Dan Says “You’re Doing It Wrong!”

2009-06-15T03:12:00.000-07:00

1992, Trenton New Jersey, Dan Quayle set loose his love for the letter E by insisting a young spelling bee competitor put one on the end of Potato. For those of you out there who chose to drop lots of acid and listen to 4 Non-Blondes records over and over again in the 90’s (Kudos to you BTW), Dan Quayle was the Vice President under the elder Bush. Dan’s greatest gift as Vice President was adding the letter E to a bunch of words that felt naked without one. Cantaloup became Cantaloupe, ntr became entrée (← Dumb Joke!), and Potato became another great reason to mock our political leaders.

Thanks Danny, you fixed our language!

Stars and Bars and eating Cars on Planet Mars where the People Meet

2009-06-14T11:45:00.000-07:00

Today is Flag Day, a day where you can put your little American flag in your front lawn and watch from the blinds to see who walks past without saluting it, marking their names down in a yellow legal pad used to research potential commies. See that kid who just spit his gum down on the sidewalk, and then the gum bounced and landed right next to the flag? Use your pink highlighter to color him in and then draw a thick arrow to the top of the list, where he belongs. See that woman carrying her heavy groceries past, see how she stops right by the flag to readjust her hold on those heavy bags, and she steps over and the heel of her shoe brushes just barely past the flagpole? Pink highlighter, thick arrow to the very top. Some people say that it isn't unpatriotic not to salute the flag every single time you walk past it, and all of those people deserve to be on your list. Don't be shy. When you finish a page, tear it out and tape it to your front door. Let them know you're watching. Some of them might not notice your binoculars that tap against the glass in your front window as they walk past. Some of them might not have read your opinion columns the local commie paper ran for a few days under the threat that you would label them "commie" if they didn't run it. Well, they ran it, but a true American newspaper wouldn't have even considered to start rejecting your opinion columns when they started to get "too long and pointless and accusatory, and the Mayor doesn't drink newborn blood, that's just ridiculous."

Sure, real ridiculous, Russia

So go out and celebrate Flag Day by putting a flag in your front yard and then hiding in your dark living room, put on some Bruce Springsteen and set down an 18-pack of some American small boys nearby, empty out that urine bucket first, this is going to take up all your time and you can't afford to let those commies walk past your house unnoticed, America can't afford it, it's just what the terrorists are waiting for so come on, get out there and celebrate Flag Day like a real god damned American!!!

Lakes, Streams, and RIVERS!

2009-06-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

Do I like lakes? Sure I do! How about Streams? You Better believe it! What do you say of Rivers? Well, if you're talking about rivers as water-ways similar, but larger than, streams, then I love them dearly. If you are talking about Rivers Cuomo, the lead guitarist and singer of Weezer, I only liked him on the Blue album and Pinkerton. Since then, I have always disliked him for continuing to make music as Weezer that sucks in comparison.

He happened to be born today, June 13, 1970, making him 39 years old. That's too old to be playing power-pop music because it just is. Say it IS so that Weezer will call it quits soon. If you are in Weezer and happen to read this, sorry if that was too harsh. I'm not saying you should break up and not speak to each other ever again. Rather, you all should get some chai tea and have a good calm talk by a warm fire and collectively decide to end the project for the sake of new ideas that happen to also be good ideas. Love (only during the first two albums), me.

Mamma-Mia, Pappa-Pia, Anne wrote a Diary-uh!

2009-06-12T18:25:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Anne Frank! Anne Frank, who turned 13 on June 12th, 1942 was given for her birthday one pony, six Holly Hobby Easy Bake ovens, and a blank diary. She got pretty steamed about the whole diary thing and took all of her loot into the attic of her house. She would clomp around on ponyback eating fancy cakes cooked under the power of a lightbulb, but Hitler lived downstairs and he hated ponies and cakes. One day Hitler finally snapped and took her pony and cake makers away from her and she was all like, “dude, you are such a Nazi!”. All Anne had left to survive on was her diary so she decided to write a story about how she was a demure princess and lived in a magic castle with a hunky prince who looked just like Ryan Reynolds. Unfortunately little Anne wasn’t so creative, so instead she just wrote about what a jerkface Hitler was. Boy, was she right about that guy. It was so true in fact that afterward people started saying “Can’t we be Anne Frank about this situation” which was later shortened to “Let’s be Frank”.

ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ, LOVERBOY...

2009-06-11T10:30:00.000-07:00

EVERYONE'S WATCHING, TO SEE WHAT YOU WILL DO

June 11, 1962, 3 Alcatraz inmates get a little homesick and decide to set themselves free. Months of careful planning allow them to climb onto the roof, climb over a fence, stick their feet in the water of the San Francisco bay and set sail for Angel Island, presumably drowning in the process. Freedom! Followed by... eternal freedomnation?

The three men were Clarence Anglin, John Anglin, and Frank Lee Morris. One might say that the two brothers, sharing the last name Anglin, might try to convince a third partner in such a crime to start calling them The Fisherman Brothers, but quite frankly Morris couldn't give half a damn about any of society's so-called nicknames. He just wanted to escape, which is why when they made a movie version of his real life antics, he was played by Clint Eastwood.

WANT A PIECE OF MY HEART? YOU BETTER START FROM THE START:

Frank, the two brothers, and a fourth man named Allen West set to escaping earlier that year when they discovered an unguarded utility corridor behind the wall of their cells. Using tools manufactured in the prison, such as a metal spoon soldered with silver from a dime ("dime silver", as my grandpappy called it), an electric drill built using a stolen vacuum cleaner motor, and plain old prisoner gusto, the four men cut the moisture damaged concrete from around an air vent leading into the corridor. They covered up the noise with accordions played during music hour and concealed the cutting with false walls which were hard to notice in the dark recesses of the cells. Down the corridor was a fan vent which the fan and motor had been removed from, replaced by a steel grille. The prisoners removed the rivets from the grille and substituted dummy rivets made of soap. Everything was going according to plan.

YOU WANT TO BE IN THE SHOW? COME ON BABY LET'S GO!

On June 11, the prisoners stole raincoats to use as a raft (which explains their presumed drowning), left papier mache mannequins in their cell, and made a break for it. Allen West, whose false wall had repeatedly slipped free prior to the escape attempt, had reattached it using cement and was now unable to remove it, so he got left behind, standing awkwardly with one arm over his papier mache mannequin friend when the guards made their rounds. "Heeeeey, guys..." he said, "just hanging out here with my good friend Collin... East..." The guards pulled him out of the cell and made him watch while they tortured his mannequin. He quickly and tearfully spilled everything and led the guards to Angel Island, where they were planning to land after leaving Alcatraz. There they discovered tattered remains of the raft and plywood paddles, leading them to believe that the prisoners had drowned.

Upon returning to Alcatraz, Allen West was given a job, along with everybody else, writing for the prison newspaper, The Weekend.

Gershon with your bad self!

2009-06-10T16:29:00.000-07:00

June 10, 1962: Gina Gershon is born and begins preparing in her butch lesbian role in Bound with Jennifer Tilly. I know nothing else of her career and I'm fine with that. Are you fine with that? Happy Birthday Gersh!

Hold that tiger...

2009-06-09T12:41:00.000-07:00

Piping hot history will be out of the oven shortly.

GHOSTBUSTERS!

2009-06-08T13:18:00.000-07:00

June 8, 1984 marks the release of a great and wonderful movie starring many great and wonderful actors, a movie by the name of Ghostbusters which told the story of a gigantic marshmallow and his 15 minutes of fame.

Ghostbusters was inspired by the detective work of Pac Man and Ms Pac Man (who later got all hopped up on goofballs and went on a pellet swallowing killing spree, eating everything but the eyeballs of local bully spirits who tried to give the yellow circles a hard time when they were just out to bust some crims and eat some randomly apparating pieces of fruit).

Pac Man was inspired by these four bug eyes farmers who owned a big plot of land that they planted their seeds in, and the battles they fought with this crazy critter who would come along and eat the seeds before they had a chance to sprout. The farmers, all of them brothers by the last name of Gaust, set up their humble little rectangle of a house right in the middle of it all, and when they would hear that critter come along chomping at the seeds they'd run out to try and get him. Sometimes they would get the critter before he got all their seeds, and when that happened another little critter would suddenly appear going after those same damn seeds. It is believed that the critters traveled in groups of 3, because usually after they killed the third one that would be it, no more of those critters for the season and the farmers could put the seeds back down and grow their crops.

When one of the critters would manage to eat all of the seeds before the farmers could kill them all, the farmers would meet back in the house and figure out a better, more complicated formation of ditches to make it harder for the critter to eat the seeds. Then the critter would come back and the farmers would set to their hunting of the critters all over again, usually moving faster and more irate.

Then there was this poison the farmers placed at each corner of the crops which was supposed to kill the critter dead, but what ended up happening was the critters would suddenly become very strong and attack the farmers instead, knocking them down into the mud and sending them back to the house to wash off, moving like a black muddy shape with only those bug eyes visible.

This really doesn't have much to do with the story of Ghostbusters, but it was an interesting topic that I thought I'd explore for a moment.

Well, if you've had a dose of a freaky ghost, you'd better call Ghostbusters! Ow!

A Prince is Born

2009-06-07T08:26:00.000-07:00

June 7th, 1958: A mother gives birth to a son and wraps him in a purple velvet blanket, with white chiffon trim. Awkwardly, the child is born with a John Waters-esque mustache, intense sexuality, and eccentric interest in panache and fashion.

Prince Rogers Nelson was nicknamed "skipper" as a young boy in Minneapolis, MN. As a young funk artist, he leaned towards ostentatious fashion, gimmicks, and an interest in outrageous, often shocking expression. These were all tricks of bands like Sly and the Family Stone, Parliment, James Brown, et al. These bands taught Prince how to boogie.

Eventually, Prince got older and bolder (just like his father), and became really popular when he started playing shows with his band "The Revolution", who (dig, if you will, the picture) were all Honduran gorillas looking to overthrow the Fascist powers that be. However, instead of guns and political rhetoric, they were armed with funky costumes and love guns.

Finally, cloud guitars turned Prince into more than words could describe - a symbol. The magic in the cloud guitar was not known to those who created it (warlocks). All who use the instrument become more than words can describe and eventually lose touch with reality. Currently, Prince resides in Minneapolis and loves basketball.

The Shape Of Things To Come

2009-06-06T13:56:00.000-07:00

25 years ago a group of Russian clowns were trying to climb into a tiny car, when Nikolai Volkoff had an idea. He would invent a video game that would train all clowns, no matter how tall and skinny, short and wide, or of lightning bolt shape they may be, to insert themselves into a clown car. Tetris is a game for mathmagicians which was invented in the land of Sauering Kraut and Borschting Beets. It is the Russians answer to the Pac-ed Man. Whereas Pac-Man is a game of consumption and Excess, Tetris is a game of falling in line and being a cog in the Communist Machine. If only we had a way to combine the two games, peace may finally come.

National Donuts Day!

2009-06-05T16:39:00.000-07:00

Today is National Donut Day (NDD), celebrated the first Friday in June (FFIJ) in honor of the Chicago Salvation Army (CSA). The CSA started NDD on the FFIJ 1938 so they could raise funds to help them feed Americans hungry and saddened by the Great Depression. NDD is also used to honor CSA volunteers who went overseas during WWI to feed soldiers from the USA. For those of you thinking "this story is full of holes!", too bad, I used the pun before you had a chance to say it out loud. You can probably tell your friends that you thought of it before you even read it, and they may pretend to believe you, but deep down, they really won't care.

Cairo Speech rips world a new one!

2009-06-04T21:40:00.000-07:00

June 4th, 2009: (Today) Barack Obama gave a powerful speech in Cairo with the hope of assuaging tensions in the Middle East. The speech was one ethical fire bomb after another. He appealed to reason, hope, faith, compassion, honesty, and one entire enchilada. Every time he quoted from the holy Koran, the audience applauded like there was a flashing "APPLAUSE" box above the stage.

That brings me to laugh tracks. I love laugh tracks in nearly every way. You can put a laugh track on any footage and it will instantly be hilarious. I dare you to prove me wrong.

Back to the speech. Obama was moving like a butterfly and stinging like a bee. He dropped so many compassion bombs and daggers of prosperity that it was like your heart wanted to implode into a blackhole of good intentions. He made so much sense, it was like watching money roll off the conveyer belt into a bucket with a sign that read "sweetest dreams" on it. He made so many babies fall in love with him, it was like he just gave birth to an entire nation, where the tears of joy could represent the viscous afterbirth of hope. He broke off so many pieces of thoughtful consideration, he might as well have been doing the roger rabbit on stage after every sentence!

Dizzle-Damn!

Obama also singled out violent extremism as something that needed to be collectively attacked by the best of the best on all fronts. Hopefully, he never finds himself in the same room as this man:

Zimmer? I barely even know her!

2009-06-03T17:40:00.000-07:00

June 3rd, 1930 is the birthday of Marion Zimmer Bradley. I don’t know much about Marion Zimmer Bradley except that she wrote a book called Mists Of Avalon, which seemed to be required reading in every feminist household in Santa Cruz during the late 80’s. If I ever went to a girl’s house and went to the bathroom and saw this book sitting next to their candle-infested tub, my first thought was always that I would soon be defending being a man. Her middle name was Zimmer, which is pretty cool, except for the fact that it is close to Zimmerman. Zimmerman was the original last name of Bob Dylan, who changed his last name to Dylan, which is my name, but the last name Dylan should be spelled Dillon, which has resulted in mass confusion in my life. When Bob Dylan decided to thumb his nose at the world of naming conventions, it was a metaphorical turn of the mousetrap crank, which sent shockwaves through the world. This resulted, for me at least, in the fact the no one can ever spell my name correctly. One time I went to Jack in the Box, and the trans-gendered Latino boy behind the counter asked me my name. When I said “Dylan” she cocked her head to the side and said “Jelly?”, and proceeded to write my name down as “Jelly.” True story! See what Bob Dylan did to me?! What was I talking about? Oh yeah, good thing there was no man attached to her name. She also wrote a book called The Colour Of Space, which isn’t just rad for its use of more vowels, but also because it sounds like the title of my favorite H.P. Lovecraft novel The Colour Out Of Space.

If you find this posting totally devoid of any useful information, I’d like to submit the following video, which is chock-a-block full of information that we all need to know.

When in Rome

2009-06-02T12:19:00.000-07:00

June 2, 455: The Vandals enter Rome for a 2 week stay of problem child proportions, with the burning and the stabbing and the grabbing the women and the Geiseric! Beautiful Rome, beat senseless by the brutes, is sadly sweeped clean by a dictionary maker who decides that from then onward, all senseless destruction shall be said to be the work of vandals. Thus, a new word is born of a name of a tribe of destruction and anger, and probably beards with bits of corn matted in.

The Vandal's sack was spawned by the murder of Western Roman Emperor Valentinian III by Petronius Maximus (who had subsequently volunteered himself to replace the murdered Emperor). The Vandals saw this as an invalidation of their peace treaty with the Roman Empire. They came, they saw, they conquered, bloodied some heads, however the saying goes...

There actually are different accounts of what actually happened, actually. Some believe that the sack was relatively clean, meaning that there wasn't too much murder and violence or burning of the city. This stems from a claim that the Pope successfully pleaded with Geiseric not to go too hard on the city. Other accounts, however, seem to indicate otherwise. One record reports shiploads of captives arriving in Africa from Rome with slavery pricetags and giant "Everything Must Go" banners. Another historian reports that at least one church was burnt down, although this could have been one of those Church of Pyrus churches that routinely burn down their church in sacrifice every summer.

Most of us will never know, and the rest of us will never care.

June Gloom

2009-06-02T10:11:00.001-07:00

June Glooom is upon us. Hide your children and livestock!

Legend has it that on June 1st every year, June Gloom comes in and begins casting tenebrous, foggy weather on charming coastal areas when all else is sunny and warm. Why, you ask? Could it merely be the stratocumulus clouds blowing inland? No, don't be fooled by the "meteorologists", with their "scientific" agendas and handsome good looks! The real answer is BANSHEES!

Foggy weather is the perfect camouflage for these cursed deities, these omens of death! The banshee comes in three forms: a young women, a stately matron or an old hag, which together represent the Celtic goddess of war and death. Fog is said to be linked to the presence of banshees, so watch out when you are traveling close to the ocean in June and the fog starts to overtake you -- you might be traveling into a trap, a cursed banshee trap! Those who have not heeded this warning are all dead, so you see the severity of my words, don't you?!!

Famous banshee scenes:

Spine-ing for the Fjords

2009-05-31T20:55:00.000-07:00

May 31st 1985, salesmen everywhere of wide-leg jeans, pacifiers, glow sticks, and whistles rejoice as Methylenedioxymethamphetamine gets listed as a schedule 1 drug. Known also as Adam, Ecstasy, Hug Drug and Disco Biscuits, MDMA would also nuzzle in the warm places of song writers, allowing them to forego any need for such trivialities as “melody” and “lyrics,” as well as “musicians,” and play the same simple bass line over and over as men in furry pants wearing ball chain necklaces gyrate wildly against the speakers. In the early 80’s, shortly after Chicago house was invented, there was a fear that Ecstasy would be marginalized by its legal status and people would come to view it as nothing more than feel good candy that makes your spinal fluid run backwards. Making the drug a taboo changed all that. Ecstasy would really hit its stride in the early 90’s when Beverly Hills 90210 cleverly disguised the drug as “Euphoria” and Ian Zierling’s character went on an egg hunt through L.A. in hopes of finding a T-Shirt that read “Euphoria 4 Ever” to replace his T-Shirt that read “2 Cool 2 B 4 Gotten.”

If it weren’t for making Ecstasy illegal, Techno music may never have gone mainstream and been left simply as a tool for enhancing 80’s chase scenes.

Brooklyn Bridge, show me strength through these traversing times!

2009-05-30T13:00:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the 21st century, ladies and gentlemen. Flying cars, thank you for your ease of travel over freeway traffic, allowing me to wave down at the poor people as they inch along the 5 on their way to their boring day jobs. Time travel, thank you for showing me what to expect in the beautiful future of human egg birth and watermelon omelets. Hoverboards, thank you. Just thank you. But let us move on to the subject of today's day in history, back to the 19th century, a time when all the unknowns were still unknown, thanks to time travel's as of yet unknowingness. Next paragraph, please!

The day of May 30, 1883 was over 120 years ago. It was, in fact, 126 years ago. Think about the fact that an event occurring in the 19th century could potentially be 209 years ago. Wow, right? The wow factor (as yet unexplained mathematically due to Albert Einstein's early demise) tells us that our 126 years back to this date as opposed to the potential 209 years back to an event occurring in the 19th century means 13 less commemorative coins and zero living fossils.

On May 30, 1883, the newly built Brooklyn Bridge was covered with people traveling along, carrying their things from one part of New York to another. Somebody suggested, somewhere amidst the crowd, that the bridge was poorly build and ready for a collapse. The scrambling populace, grabbing the tiny hands of the smaller people from the underground tunnel systems, decided to find the shortest route off of the bridge. Amidst the chaos, 12 people were trampled to death. That's 12 people who died right there, in 1883, who could have potentially lived into the 20th century. Although, to be fair, the average lifespan back then was only 15 years so most of them would have been dead by 1898 anyway.

The next year, PT Barnum decided to show those trampling idiots not to listen to rumors (or rumours, as the english call them), and ran 21 elephants, the king of trampling, across the bridge at the same time. "Fools!" he cried, "this bridge will outlive you all!" And you know what? He was right.

Hoover? I barely knew her!

2009-05-29T12:02:00.000-07:00

The Hoover Dam was completed on May 29, 1935, at least that's what wikipedia says when you google "May 29" - I didn't make it up! I don't even know how to make things up! Anyways, there were apparently 112 deaths, 3 births, and a great depression while making the dam, originally called the Boulder Dam, or "over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder dam" by all the construction workers (100% plausible). On one side of the dam is Arizona, and on the other is Nevada. The architects and engineers thought it would be cool to put some freaky gothic statues on the facade of the dam for effect. I went there once when I was a child and mom almost fell over the side of the concrete barrier while taking a picture. There's much more to say about this dam, but I think you aren't really reading this to learn about dams, and you just want some of THIS:

Total Eclipse of the Heart

2009-05-28T15:16:00.000-07:00

Some people look to John and Yoko for their peaceful solutions, others to more radical ideas like Tiananmen Square, but those who know the best way to stop a war, solar power.
In 585 B.C. man had gods aplenty, The Battle of Halys was your typical fight. A group of dudes (the Medes) hire a group of dudes to hunt them up some food, hunter dudes don’t find food, leader dude(Cyaxares) insults the hunters with something like “Hey, hunter guys, you didn’t hunt well, so I’m gonna call you Mr. no hunter guys.”, hunters kill leader dudes son and feeds him to his people, double-double animal style, which is a perfectly fair reaction. The hunters then run away to a nearby country, with original dudes in hot pursuit. The hunters run to a land where the people think the hunter dudes are totally boss, so they decide to go to war instead of handing them over. The battle begins to rage when suddenly the sky goes out. Everyone on the battlefield thinks this is totally wizard, and feeling like all this people eating and ass kickery has angered the gods, they pack it in. The fighting ends, virgins are offered, sunglasses are removed and everyone goes to the country to eat a lot of peaches. This is where the phrase "Life's a peach" came from.

This form of peacemaking has been attempted many times since, to varying degrees of success. Mr. burns once blotted out the sun in a very successful manner. An army once had a plan to sneak into an enemy camp and set all their clocks ahead to 2pm, then began bashing pots and pans yelling “wake up, the sun has been unplugged!” but since neither clocks nor electricity had been invented they were simply caught and hanged for saying such confusing words. One time a man in a wild-west shootout held his thumb up to the sun and proclaimed “There’s nobody home!” at which point he was shot in the back.

As the cat said when asked how his owner stops him from destroying the furniture, “eclipse me”.

This is California

2009-05-27T16:20:00.000-07:00

California: The Golden State. Early settlers quickly realized that California wasn't truly a state build out of gold. Merely gold plated, they announced, pulling back a layer to reveal dirt underneath. Good news for the farmers, bad news for the wedding ring factories springing up everywhere. Large communities moved in and out of the state, the farmers drawn to the soft moist soil, the New Jerseys repulsed by the false promise of unlimited gold chains. Hollywood is happy to find a setting as reliant on a thin layer of beauty as its own and moves everything in.

Farmers start finding it more difficult to store the rolled up layers of gold they peel free in order to plant plant plant, and so the state decides to undergo a plan to turn all of that unwanted gold into a huge public works project, one spot of California that truly will be gold after all: The Golden Gate Bridge. Work begins, and soon enough the bridge is built and ready for the public. May 27, 1937 marks the beginning of the end of the ferry system in the bay area, creating a vacuum that draws in a brand new fairy system (hey-oh!). Pedestrians and cars alike set across, feeling the wind blow through their automotive hair.

A couple days in, a photographer drags his tripod along and notices the gold scrape away revealing a darker metal underneath. Investigating, he scratches deeper and discovers that the golden gate bridge is as gold plated as the California his ancestors discovered years ago. He takes a key and scrapes away, forming the words "This is California." The picture earns him every photographic award known to man, and that is the story of "This is California", the most famous photograph of all time.

Indian Removal Act: Exit, Stage Left

2009-05-26T22:18:00.000-07:00

May 26, 1830: President Andrew Jackson (known for his love of all things that are "good times") signs the Indian Removal Act (IRA for the sake of ambiguity), which involved the relocation and ethnic cleansing (intended or not) of numerous indigenous native-American tribes, culminating with the famous "Trail of Tears" migration in 1831. What a bastard!

Apparently, President Jackson needed "living space" for his ATV's, above ground pools and other outrageous toys, which were always his true love above politics, so he drafted up the IRA as a way of "getting his shit done". Jackson was already known to enjoy other popular southern pastimes such as a lynchings, slavery and a good glass of sweet tea. The IRA was said to be, "So A.J.", as all the young teenage girls used to say back then. Those same girls (all unattractive) had crushes on the 63-year old magnate-about-town. They would read about him in Presidential Sugar Magazine, which often described A.J. as, "sensitive, but with a wild side that loves to have a good time". Too bad those same girls never made it to meet the President (all died).

It is unfortunate that A.J. had so much ill will towards the native-Americans. Things probably would have been better if they both went SEPARATE WAYS:

Begin The Fanfare

2009-05-25T12:02:00.000-07:00

May 25, 1977, There are few movies that have had a larger impact on our culture, Kazaam, Dream a Little Dream, and Three Men and a Little Lady to name three. One thing that none of these movies have that Star Wars does, is a great title crawl. oh sure, there are some films out there with some lengthy introductions, but none so filled with concepts we could barely wrap our brains around. Little did we know how much this film franchise would have to offer.

In honor of this great date in history, I have gone through the trouble of finding a brief synopsis of the film, translating it to French and then back to English with the help of the future. Enjoy.

Luc Skywalker remains with his adoptive aunt and uncle with a farm on Tatooine. He is desperate to obtain in addition to this planet and to arrive at l' academy like his/her friends, but his/her uncle needs him for the next harvest. While waiting, a bad emperor succeeded the galaxy, and built a formidable Star death, able to destroy whole planets. Princess Leia, a chief in the resistance movement, acquires plans of l' star of death, the place in R2D2, a droid, and l' send to find Kenobi Girdle-Pale. Before qu' it finds it, R2D2 finishes upwards on Skywalkers' ; firm with his/her friend C3PO. R2 wanders then in the desert, and when Luc follows, they find Girdle-Pale thereafter by chance. Luc, Girdle-Pale, and both droids will be able to destroy l' star of death, or l' will emperor order for always?

Introducing: Eurovision!

2009-05-24T11:56:00.000-07:00

The first Eurovision contest was held May 24, 1956 in Lugano, Switzerland. For those that don't know, Eurovision is an international contest held amongst active members of the European Broadcasting Union where countries elect representatives to sing a song that gets voted on, and the most popular song wins it all for the country they represent. The winning country is awarded a gold plated nuclear warhead, and is given a free first strike on the country of their choice (the country they choose must also have competed in that years Eurovision contest). The country that places last traditionally receives a consolation prize. This consolation prize usually varies from disease to famine, although in some years it has been limited to several free CDs and DVDs of their choice, with the requirement that they purchase another 4 or 5 from Columbia House and BMG within a restricted amount of time.

For those looking for more information on the other common use of "Eurovision", which is the inability that many Europeans have to see how small their speedos are or how creepy their mustaches might be, please visit here.

Explorer I, where are you?

2009-05-23T13:06:00.000-07:00

May 23, 1958: Death of Explorer I, the first satellite ever deployed by the United States. Due to battery failure and loneliness, Explorer I gave up without a fight. Sputnik I and II had been launched in 1957 by the Soviets and the U.S. wanted their own piece of the atmospheric pie, so they revitalized Project Orbiter and shot Explorer I into space. The satellite stayed in orbit for nearly 12 years after it ceased transmissions, which meant it became space litter soon after it was launched. It might have been the source of UFO sightings in the sky, when few people knew that satellites could be seen moving in the atmosphere on clear, dark nights or during very clear days.

One man, Earl McFeebleson, said he remembered seeing strange lights moving through the sky on May 1, 1958. He then noticed his microwave emitting fumes and his car radio playing strange music, which he thinks was due to electrical interference sent down by the unidentified flying object. Earl said he new it wasn't a satellite because he had really good vision and could see the aliens in the cockpit, with their tentacles and hideous features. Earl's state of mind that day was dismissed as ignorant and confused bullshit, but many believed they too had seen the same UFO on many different occasions. Even though satellites very well could have been what these hillbillies saw, they often believed their outrageous stories were further supported by strange markings that would sometimes appear on their bodies after the sightings or a rough night of drinking. Babies also had markings. All of these cases involved alien abduction reports and usually included some aspect of anal probing for maximum authenticity when recalling their stories to police. It has since been confirmed that hillbillies and the mentally unstable believe that "alien's love asses just as much as anyone else", which is why they surely must have got busy with human asses during their sexy abductions; "It just makes sense", said McFeebleson, as he demonstrated his reasoning with props and hand-made examples of the alien tools, which he called "Anus Wranglers" or "A-RODS" for short.

I apologize for the slightly juvenile references, but I don't apologize for this.

I'm A Mazed

2009-05-22T17:53:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday Pac-Man! May 22 1980 Namco gave birth to a little yellow man with an insatiable appetite for lost souls. Pakkuman is a video game about life in the 80’s, the plot is that you are a hungry mouth, running through a mall doing lines of coke, and snacking on pretzels and fruit (presumably bought from an Orange Julius). The whole time Johnny Law AKA ghosts, are chasing you, trying to make you go to rehab. At four corners of the mall there is a power pellet which is filled with PCP, and when you consume it, the whole power paradigm shifts and you can go after the men in blue, (whose mouths at this point have for some reason fashioned themselves after Charlie Brown's shirt, and Charlie is another name for cocaine. Coincidence? I think not.) and consume them whole, except for their indigestible eyes, which roll their way back to this dunk tank in the center of the screen which grows a new body for them. In between levels, there are cut scenes where Pakku chases and is chased by these ghost police characters which for some reason are in the shape of Bart Simpson's upside down head. He also meets Ms. Pac Man and has a baby, making this the most sexually explicit, and factually accurate game of its time.

The White Night Riots

2009-05-21T15:27:00.000-07:00

The White Night riots were a reaction by the gay community and other angered citizens of San Francisco to the lax verdict of Dan White, murderer of Mayor George Moscone and openly gay supervisor Harvey Milk. Dan White had been a member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors alongside Harvey Milk, who got along with Dan well enough until they had a disagreement regarding a zoning issue. Dan White became upset with his inability to make the changes he was pushing for in his position within the board, frustrated at being barred from taking on additional government work as a firefighter or police officer or astronaut to maintain living wages, jaded by his potato restaurant's lack of profits, and so he finally decided to resign from the board of Supervisors in order to sell balloons on the boardwalk full time. His supporters quickly convinced him to change his mind and take his job back as supervisor, and so he washed off the clown makeup, released a handful of balloons into the atmosphere, and ran back to City Hall to ask George Moscone to reinstate him.

At first, the mayor agreed, but was convinced afterwards by Harvey Milk and other board members to Just Say No. Dan White decided that he wasn't going out like no chump, and so on November 27, 1978, he climbed in through the basement window, jogged up to the Mayor's office, and asked for his job back again. The mayor, again, said no. Dan White shot him several times. Dan White then went back to his former office, asked Harvey Milk to join him in there for a moment, and then shot him as well. Dan White left, drove himself to a police station in the northern part of San Francisco that he had once been stationed at as an officer, and turned himself in.

On May 21, 1979, the jury (consisted primarily of white roman catholic men like Dan White) gave Dan White the minimal verdict possible: voluntary manslaughter. Mel Gibson appeared before a crowd of angered citizens wearing face paint and a horse. "I wear this horse out of anger!" he cried. "Today, we fight for our freedom!" The men charged city hall, tearing off brass adornments and smashing windows. In the end, the riots resulted in over 100,000 dollars in damages, and 60 police officers plus 100 gay rioters injured or hospitalized.

Dan White served 5 years, was paroled in Los Angeles for a year, went back to San Francisco (against the wishes of Mayor Dianne Feinstein) to reunite with his wife and kids, and finally commited suicide by carbon monoxide. Blame it all on the twinkies.

Otto-man, King of Grease!

2009-05-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

May 20, 1832: Prince Otto Friedrich Ludwig of Bavaria ("Otto-man" to his friends) becomes the first modern King of Greece (King of Grease to his friends). As far as monarchs go, Supreme Lord Otto was maybe 2 stars out of a possible 5 "Monarch Glitter-Gold" commemorative stars. He did eventually collect all five, which he added to his set of commemorative memorabilia. He is considered to be the first "modern" King of Greece due to his love of electronic and rap music, which he would blare out of his castle windows. How he enjoyed such music on a 1980's ghetto-blaster before such things or times even existed is surely a question for the ages. It is known that King Otto and his best buds would walk the halls with Otto holding his ghetto-blaster on his shoulder. When they would see someone really cool whom they wanted to impress, Otto would rewind a little to a specific part in a good song and then he'd hit play as he and his buds walked out with what they called the "Otto-shuffle", which resembles a certain learned motion [of the ocean].

Otto got the Greeks involved in all sorts of whacky adventures, such as the Crimean War, military coups, feature films, and many other hilarious family-oriented activities. All in all, it worked out just fine for Otto until his exile and death.

Anybody Want A Peanut?

2009-05-19T13:11:00.000-07:00

May 19th 1946 the most horrifying screams ever heard signify the birth of André René Roussimoff , AKA Monster Eiffel Tower, AKA Andre the Giant. Like all giants before him, Andre was chased from his village with flaming sticks. He packed up four of the most fertile village girls he could find, and struck out for other lands to crush. By the time he reached the United States, he stood at 7’4” and weighed 500 pounds. Andre the Giant was so big when he walked by the Empire State Building, Bi-Planes would just show up and start shooting at him, he was so big, one time he was riding in one of those clown cars and only one of him climbed out, his momma was so fat, when she sat around the house… wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Andre was a Pro wrestler in the WWF, which meant he had some awesome toys made in his image. Everybody wanted to be part of his posse, but some weren’t happy with simple posse member status, Billy Crystal tried to buy him as a slave, and when he was told about the laws prohibiting slavery, he had to settle on making a movie about owning him called “My Giant”. The most tragic fact of his too short life, was that the obesity craze hadn’t hit America yet, so Andre never got to live in a world where he could just go to TGI Fridays and order one meal and be full. He may have played a villain in the ring, but he was actually a giant of love.

TIMBERRRRR!

2009-05-18T22:12:00.000-07:00

May 18, 1980, Mount Saint Helen erupts into a gigantic movie plot making machine, depositing ash into 11 nearby states who all awkwardly accept the ash politely, then put it in a box in the corner to never mention again until the grandkids come to visit 29 years later (hint hint!) and ask what the box holds, leading to a whole ceremony where the box is carried down, stories are told, and the ash is given to the grandkids to keep around or sell on ebay or whatever the hell those kids do with those keyboard machines these days.

The eruption was expected by experts for months beforehand, leading to the evacuation of several nearby areas, including Spirit Lake where Harry Randall Truman owned a lodge and decided that the so-called experts could stuff it up their know-it-all behinds. He stayed, stating, "If the mountain goes, i'm going with it." Well, the mountain went, and so did Harry, buried likely under 150 feet of landslide debris. Another 56 people died in the eruption as well, but none of them made any statements on camera quite as retarded as Harry that the liberal media (and know-it-all bloggers) could make fun of.

After the ash had finally settled and evacuated residents could start digging down to their buried homes, Ronald Reagan approved a 75 trillion dollar bill for the rebuilding of Mount St. Helen. Fortunately, the bill was neither approved or real in the first place, but there are a few dedicated restorationists that go up there once every couple of years and move some rocks around (also not true).

Marry me, Mount St. Helens!

Thor Heyerdahl and the Ra II

2009-05-17T12:21:00.000-07:00

May 17, 1970: Thor Heyerdahl sets sail from Morocco to Barbados in a boat made entirely of buoyant reeds in an attempt to provide validity to his claim that ancient vessels were capable of crossing the world's oceans during prehistoric times.

With a crew of Norwegian hippies, Thor set out in his boat, "Ra II", named after the Egyptian Sun god. "Ra I" had broke apart because it was made entirely of patchouli and good intentions, which coincidentally were not buoyant materials. Heyerdahl's mission was to challenge the accepted origins of many cultures throughout the world. He claimed that due to the sea-worthiness of these crafts and early European reports of light-skinned tribes found throughout the Polynesian islands, there was the potential for ancient civilizations to have come into contact with each other much earlier than what other scientific and anthropological studies had suggested at the time. Heyerdahl's earlier journey, the "Kon Tiki" expedition, was made into a documentary film that won an academy award in 1951 (Hottest Superfluous Sex Scene in a Documentary).

The Ra II expedition was a success and another film (The Ra Expeditions) was made thereafter. This film did not win any academy awards, however, due it being comprised entirely of superfluous sex scenes with Egyptian actors. It was narrated during each scene by Thor himself, who named the uncut version "The Raw Expeditions". Some have called it pure egocentric pornography, but Heyerdahl claimed the artistic integrity of the film was apparent only if the genre was properly understood, which was of his own creation - "Thor Noir". It never caught on because it was all sorts of weird, but an epic example of soft-Thor Noir can be found here: Thor vs. Satan.

Thor died in 2002. This song was played at his funeral, in honor of Norway's most famous music, "Folk Troll Metal":

Flame War

2009-05-16T16:33:00.000-07:00

Voices in our heads, we all have them, and some of us even give them names. Some of us hear our parents’ voices “Never run with scissors,” “Don’t pet the dog in the wrong direction,” “Putting a dozen eggs in the microwave won’t make Gozer appear in the fridge….” Sometimes we hear a guy named Jimmy who sounds like he’s from Kentucky and he tells us to put a stick of butter under our pillows, and some of us call those voices God. Joan of Arc was one of the latter ones, and her inner ear deity told her to invent Bacon-Henge, create a super army of well-dressed robots, and go out and fight the British. “The British are Britishing up France, please hack them up,” God would say in the voice of Vicki, the Small Wonder robot, and so choppity chop she would go. Unfortunately, she forgot about parts one and two. She hacked and slashed her way right into an English jail cell, and explained to them all about her voices, but the British were pissed about the lack of bacon-henge and fashion-forward mechanical men, so they barbequed her. The people who tried her thought she was insane, but if voices in your head and insatiable blood lust are wrong, I don’t want to be right. She would later be thought of by France as a heroine, and then by the Catholic Church as a saint (which is their own personal brand of heroine.) On this date in 1920, the Catholic Church Canonized her, and although I’m not sure what that means, I hope in the near future she can be Vulcanized and Simonized.

Happy Día del Maestro, Mexico!

2009-05-15T09:22:00.000-07:00

Today is Teachers Day in Mexico, a chance to celebrate the important profession of teaching with our wonderful downstairs neighbors, the Thunder from not-quite-so Down Under, who have asked that we stop stomping around quite so much it's giving them a headache. In honor of this holiday, I'll be using babelfish to write the rest of my post in Spanish! So come all ye faithful, celebrate with me, do a little dance, fiesta then siesta as we shout out to the streets of Mexico: Dia Feliz de los Maestros!!

Celebramos hoy la ciudad de México una exposición maravillosa del esplendor que viaja entre historia la buena voluntad de generaciones de piano y de tuba de enseñanza también.

La liga de lucha del mundo es un establecimiento orgulloso que no hace no toma ninguÌn gumption de ningunas muchachas de la mariquita que intentan pensar que son mejores que ellos. La buena voluntad de enseñar eso habita todos nosotros en las Américas es una cuál se debe celebrar concurrentemente. Financie su coche con garantizado ABRIL del 12 por ciento por un tiempo limitado solamente. El continente hermoso de los deseos de África solamente tenía vídeos de esta muchos rotura de resorte.

In honor of Dia del Maestro, I'm going to buy myself a delicious carne asada burrito today and explain it to a friend who is willing to listen. And before he runs off to buy a carne asada burrito of his own, enriched in the teachings I have successfully passed on, I'll explain to him one last thing: Teachers are our Amigos. Happy Teachers Day, Mexico!

Welcome to Jamesvilletonburgtown

2009-05-14T11:22:00.000-07:00

Jamesburg, Jamesville, Jamesdale, Jameston, JAMESTOWN! That's the ticket!

A new life awaits you in the off-Britain colonies! The chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure!

Regarded as the first English settlement in America after the lost and forsaken Roanoke Colony, Jamestown was settled on May 14, 1607, 403 years ago to this day; Maybe even to this second! The settlement was named after this boy and his comedic nightmares, NOT King James I of England - a common misunderstanding. Anyways, the location of Jamestown was chosen for strategic defensive purposes against any attacks by sea. However, the area was plagued by mosquitoes, offered undrinkable water, limited farming, and happened to be inhabited by Native-Americans (all minor setbacks). Tobacco got the colony off the ground and then Pocahontas came along, looking all "available", and the rest is horrifyingly brutal history, which I won't bore you with now. Let's just say there was a little of this, a little of that, and now here we are - a perfect amalgamation of everything our forefathers stood for in principal and in action: PATRIOTS!

Shhhhhck!

2009-05-13T00:25:00.000-07:00

This day in 1958, zippers are sent to the locker room crying over the patent filing of the vastly superior fastening device, Velcro. Hip Hop pioneer George de Mestral (which translates roughly to George of the Mestral) was sitting in his home imitating the fresh sound of the record scratch on his zip up hoodie when he realized he needed more bounce to his ounce. His longstanding rivalry with zipper inventor Whitcomb L. Judson (which translates in Urdu to Biz Markie) had him completely vexed as to how he could throw down against this long standing scratch master. One morning George was doing laundry and mistook a sheet of sandpaper for a sheet of downy fresh scent and as he removed his favorite Christmas sweater from the laundry he found the sandpaper stuck and pulled it free. The sound that would ensue made his hackles stand on end and he knew a star was born. Aside from totally killing within the underground shoe beat-off community, Velcro would end up dominating shoe closures in the 80’s. This would culminate with the materials ability to cloak small coin pouches in shoes, allowing nerds the world over to finally avoid losing their milk money.

Mr. McTwist Gleams the 41st Cube!

2009-05-12T18:04:00.000-07:00

Tony Hawk, the American Skateboard Superstar (and not Tony Hawks, British Comedian or Tony Hawke, New Zealand Basketball Player) turns 41 today. Born May 12, 1968 in San Diego, California, Tony "Machismo" Hawk is arguably the most famous skateboarder of all time. Tony Hawks, British Comedian, is 49 and has written several books, including The Fridge Hiker's Guide to Life. Tony Hawke, NZ athlete, is 26 and played for the Canterbury Rams in New Zealand's National Basketball League. Neither are arguably the most famous in their fields.

Let's focus on the birthday boy:

Tony Hawk's skateboarding career kicked off in San Diego, CA, where he was grinding along as a dim-witted gardener. One day, while cutting grass, he was coaxed into the basement of a client, Pierce Brosnan. His life would never be the same. Pierce was working on a scientific experiment that would potentially make people smarter by plugging them into a computer. Just as he was plugging Tony in, a small kid came down the stairs on a small wooden scooter. Pierce, furious at the interruption, threw an air conditioning unit that barely missed the kid, knocked the handle off the scooter, and knocked the remaining bit, a flat board with wheels on it, onto Tony's lap. The kid scrambled away, back up the stairs, and Pierce stumbled after him, tripped over a wire, and accidentally plugged Tony in. The computer sparked to life, bright flashes emitted from Tony's face, and he was fused with the skateboard. From that point on, he and skateboarding were inseparable.

A few months afterwards, Tony managed to upload himself into the computer system, made everybody's telephone ring, and then made a series of videogames that didn't lose their wow factor until EA was all "SKATE, BITCH." He has been married 3 times in first life and once in second life. He has several kids, a car, and a pet fish. When he is disappointed with himself, he likes to take his trusty cat Zorro up to his room to be by himself.

Tony Hawks, stay funny. Tony Hawke, stay foreign. and Tony Hawk, stay fabulous!

Deep Blue makes Kasparov cry

2009-05-11T11:46:00.000-07:00

May 11, 1997, super computer IBM "Deep Blue", named after the computer's love for the ocean, beat world chess champion Garry Kasparov in a 6 game match, consisting of 2 wins, 1 loss, and three draws. Kasparov said "Deep Blue" was cheating and making eyes at him the whole time, but IBM dismantled the machine soon afterwards, purely for gloating rights and a lot of cash.

Kasparov soon fell into deep depression, became addicted to doughnut holes, started luddite internet groups (he didn't care how ironic it was), and built his own super computer.

When he really got down, he just had to dance:

Technology had become his life. He now looks like this.

And I think it's going to be a long long time...

2009-05-10T23:25:00.000-07:00

Based on the tried and true understanding that stronger and more devastating firepower will surely stop future military conflicts, the V-2 Rocket is successfully launched for the first time on May 10, 1946. Inspiration for the song "Rocket Man"is born! The unsuccessful V-2 launches and explosions will not be discussed.

Say goodnight "tough times!" Say hello, "super power!"

Gone Fishin'

2009-05-09T02:01:00.000-07:00

Foreverkins has gone fishing today. Enjoy your Saturday, everybody!

Hard Hat Riot

2009-05-08T09:20:00.000-07:00

May 8th, 1970: Downtown New York City, where over 200 blue-collar construction workers attack students staging an anti-war rally and Kent State memorial, while police do nothing.

Earlier in the month, on May 4th, 1970, the Kent State shootings took place. A memorial was held on Wall Street on May 8th, which became a politically charged protest of the Vietnam War. The construction workers came towards the protest apparently from four different directions. Damn. A police line was soon breached and the protesters were then beaten severely (some with clubs and crowbars) by the construction workers. THEN the construction workers, still filled with adrenaline and manly machismo from a jerky high, went to City Hall, Trinity Church and nearby Pace University, where they rioted and demanded flags be raised to full mast instead half mast (half mast was in honor of the Kent State shootings). They probably thought the shootings were justified and the necessary consequences of not beefing up, getting some rubber balls to hang from the back of your 4x4, and wearing American flag clothing. Only 6 people were arrested.

Now, don't get me wrong, some of my best friends work in the construction industry. However, none of them look like this asshole.

If you feel this post is maybe too biased towards a "left-wing" point of view, you'll probably love this site, made just for you: Come on!

National Day of Prayer

2009-05-07T17:58:00.000-07:00

The National Day of Prayer is a US tradition where people of various belief systems are asked to come together and pray, especially for the well being of their country. The first instance was in 1775, when the Continental Congress was working together to form the United States, and asked the people of the 13 colonies for their prayers to help in forming a new nation, and also for the witches to cast special magic to protect our new land from the warlocks of evil. It was a floating holiday, designated by the acting president for years, until Ronald Reagan decided in 1988 that it would take place on the first Thursday of May each year.

The National Day of Reason is another US tradition which happens to fall on the same day as the National Day of Prayer! The National Day of Reason honors the firm belief that church and state should not dance pretty together in the streets of congress, and nicely tries to point out that these crying Christians with their magic clasped hands and undelivered communications are really only seeking to serve their own faith and give it more relevance than it already doesn't have. Their proof: The National Day of Prayer task force, a non-governmental organization seeking to coordinate events within the evangelical communities. "BS!" cry the Reasonettes.

The National Day of Magic is a fictional holiday founded by the best magic wizards this side of Hogwarts school of awesome spells. This holiday also falls on the first Thursday of May and is celebrated with great gusto by my friends and I and a 12 pack of beer, and our books of magic (the new ones that my mom printed because the old ones got kool-aid on them). We didn't want to let witches in at first but my mom said we had to, so now we do, and they're actually really nice people when they aren't making curses that make you fart when you walk or turn into a donkey.

America, the time is now: PRAY / REASON / CAST A SPELL!

Hindenburg gets sassy, 36 perish

2009-05-06T09:25:00.000-07:00

"It's better to burn out than to fade away..."

Becoming famous wasn't always easy for the Hindenburg. Starting out as an independent airship, it quickly became well-known for it's amazing speed and flying capabilities, but that never really settled right with the shy Hindenburg. This success, in combination with a lot of personal issues and a crazy wife, drove the Hindenburg to drugs and alcohol and eventually suicide. On May 6, 1937, the Hindenburg was found dead in it's Seattle home. There have been a few theories on what happened aside from the apparent suicide: lightening, puncture, hydrogen leak, murder, etc. Either way, a pretty awesome airship was lost that day. Who knows where aviation would be today if the Hindenburg didn't decide to release itself from the prison of nazi stardom?

Probably here:

Sinko de Mayo!

2009-05-05T21:56:00.000-07:00

I first learned about Cinco de Mayo from a college professor during an Oceanography lab class at Pierce College, a community college in Woodland Hills, the hottest part of the San Fernando Valley (which is often the hottest part of Los Angeles County, based on little more than a belly full of tequila). He explained to our whole class that Cinco de Mayo was a day of remembrance for the Mexicans, to a time when their people stood waiting on the shores of their country for a shipment of mayonnaise, a delicacy described to them in great detail by some shiny toothed European. The shiny toothed European promised to send them barrels of the stuff, and he followed through, but unfortunately the ship carrying all that mayonnaise ran into the horse latitudes where a stray horseshoe struck the hull and brought the ship to it's ocean bottom knees (on second thought, it isn't the tequila in my belly, it's the alcohol that seeped into my bloodstream...). In doing so, all that mayonnaise sunk with it, thus: Sinko de Mayo. A holiday that Mexicans celebrate to this day in honor of a sunken condiment (<-- a word that took me 30 seconds to remember due to all the ethanol in my brain). (you like that shit? tequila --> alcohol --> ethanol, PLAYAH!!)

Shut it, parentheses.

We know that Cinco de Mayo has nothing to do with Mayonnaise, it was just a funny tale that the old man told, though not as funny as the story he told of the time he was at the beach and a mother was screaming at her kid to stop swimming further away. As an oceanography teacher full of strange facts, he went over and explained to her that the angle of our California shores caused a current to carry her swimming son away, meaning that it wasn't his young fault that he was swimming further from her, but the old fault of a faulty old land full of sound towers that weren't faulty at all, but then you'd have to be a fan of good comedy to get that joke, Lady. The woman screeched at the oceanography teacher, telling him to buzz off and mind his own (let's stop here, and move on with the entry).

FINE.

Cinco de Mayo commemorates the Mexicans declaration of "This land is our land" back in 1862 to the French soldiers who were trying to take it from them. Napoleon the 3rd sent his chocolate section out (kissed most dramatically by it's strawberry section, hubba hubba!) to Mexico to collect on a debt that the Mexicans decided they weren't going to honor. The French decided that they would invade, and invade they did, 8,000 of them striding around striking chihuahuas with buttered baguettes. The Mexicans ran abuzz, waking each other from siestas and interrupting fiestas to form an army of 4,000, who said "fuck this shit!" in Spanish and charged. They used strategy, don't get me wrong, and they fucked up some French shit.

The holiday, interestingly, is mostly celebrated in America. A big part of this, I suspect, is because the French came back a year later and took over Mexico City. The French ruled Mexico completely from 1863 through 1867 when finally America, dusting debris off of its civil war fatigued soldiers, asked them to take off.

I would speculate further, but that's what wikipedia is for, and I have another shot of sinko de mayo waiting for me in the kitchen (1/8 part mayonnaise sunk into a shot of tequila, drunk with the nose plugged and the toilet bowl very close).

Star Wars Day!

2009-05-04T16:10:00.000-07:00

May 4 is apparently STAR WARS DAY due to the similarity between the words "May the 4th", and the phrase, "may the force be with you". It's stupid shit, I know, but that's kind of what this blog is all about, just like this song:

Seriously though, I think that most people enjoy drinking beer. I also think that certain people enjoy the Star Wars films a little too much. Yeah, you know exactly what I mean. Don't worry if I'm talking about you - High Five! Anyways, when these Star Wars fanatics happen to be over 21 (most of them), they look for ways to combine their love of beer with their love of George Lucas' ego - hence STAR WARS DAY!

This holiday is currently only celebrated by George Lucas and probably these people.

If you happen to be a Star Wars fanatic, or just a cool dude who celebrates this holiday, or if you are in fact George Lucas, please comment on this post and let me know how much fun you had. I'm sure it will make me laugh.

SPAM!

2009-05-03T15:40:00.000-07:00

On May 3, 1978 the first spam email was sent out to every west coast member of ARPANET by a marketing representative of Digital Equipment Corporation, a pioneering American computer company that was advertising a new computer model don't you think your wife will be impressed by your university diploma apply today?

Spam, the more commonly used term for any unsolicited bulk email, has gone on to be one of the most reviled and hated practices on the internet, along with pop-up advertising and small penises your wife will laugh and point you need blue pills thirty people said they agreed wonderful reconcilement trust me it works says Bob from Cincinnati CLICK HERE NOW CLICK HERE NOW CLICK HERE NOW!

The term "Spam" comes from a Monty Python skit where every item on the menu has the word "spam" in it and a group of Vikings start chanting the word "SPAM" over and over and over again, causing any other conversation impossible, until eventually the main character starts screeching for them to shut up don't you feel inferior your wife is looking for University Diplomas impress your boss with your brand new expert woodworking EARN MORE MONEY FROM HOME designer watches.

I am a Nigerian Prince in need of a penis enlargement please send me small money I will repay you tenfold here's what other people have been saying about Viagra the dichotomous affairs are not reminiscent of the length of SPAM and the firm girth of SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM

Battle of Casa de Alcatrazzzzzz

2009-05-02T12:23:00.000-07:00

May 2nd, 1946: A few prisoners in everyone's favorite Bay area penitentiary decided they were tired of playing the incarceration game and wanted a cool ticket out of Casa de Alcatrazo. The plan was to exploit a weakness in the gun gallery while another inmate created a diversion in the cell block. Once they got into the gun gallery and found weapons and supplies for their escape, they planned to take over the cell-house by force, use the guards as hostages, make their way to the dock, and then hijack a boat to San Francisco: Easy-cheesy! The plan depended on getting a key from the guard in the gun gallery, which they needed to open the cell-house doors and for bragging rights. However, on the day they chose to launch their ambitious escape, one of the guards did not follow protocol and held on to the cell-house key he was supposed to give to the gun gallery guard, foiling their plan from the beginning.

Being confined to the cell-house with weapons left them few options. They hung out for a bit, did some weight lifting, and patted each other on the ass, but eventually the marines came in and used grenades to blow things up and get the girls. Only one inmate wasn't harmed in the explosion, but his cell became jammed, forcing him to sit and watch as the marines came in and sweet talked all the fine ladies. The three convicts were killed by the explosion, which reminds me of a charming scene from the 1979 film "The Fury", by Brian de Palma (check out Cassavetes in action). Two of the other three people involved were executed in 1948, but one of the convicts in on the plot was released in 1973, even though he was sentenced to another life sentence for his involvment with the escape of '46.

Now, I know what you're thinking - "WHOA buddy, why aren't you talking about the other escape plot? This plot lacks the hackneyed Hollywood interpretation I have come to associate with Alcatraz breakout stories". To that I must respond with thisss and thisssss.

If 4 RRs are Owned by US.gov Pay $200...

2009-05-01T14:24:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, land travel in America was limited to horses, slaves, and trains. Trains were the fastest and created the most smoke, and so of course they were the most popular. At the peak of train travel, there were over 65,000 passenger cars in operation, taking passengers to and back to fro with their daily newspapers and polite conversations about foreigners. Then one day, a man drove past his local train station in a newfangled automobile device, his arm thrust barbarically out the window, his driving glove bent into a shape allowing him to display his middle finger most prominently. "Trains suck!" he yelled, speeding past at an awe inspiring 13 miles per hour. The crowd gasped, the engineer jumped onto his slave and gave chase, police dove into their police train, but by the time they got the steam powered sirens going, the man was long gone. The engineer returned, defeated, tied his slave to a post, and reported sadly that there was no unique set of letters and numbers with which to identify the perpetrator. "Somebody needs to invent a plate of sorts," he said, "with which a unique licensed number can be identified."

Which brings us to today's invention: AMTRAK.

The popularity of the automobile, as demonstrated above, gave a new freedom and individuality to travel that the trains couldn't provide. As automobiles became cheaper, safer, and more reliable, trains became lamer, clunkier, and more for the poor foreigners which the respectable passengers of a passing age used to describe politely on their daily commutes. In addition, the US government nationalized the railroad industry for World War I (for more info on World Wars A-H, please click here) between 1910 and 1921, undermining the railroad companies' ability to make a profit, preventing them from investing in passenger rail facilities. Labor costs increased, and with them passenger fares, causing even more automobile converts. By 1965, the number of passenger cars in operation was down from it's 1929 peak of 65,000 to a meager 10,000. The rails that ran through various communities were heavily taxed, so the decline in customers made solvency nearly impossible. The train industry was doomed. Tear down those tracks, America, and make room for the flying car!

Mr. Nixon, save our trains!

In 1970, Richard Nixon signed The Rail Passenger Service Act into law, a bill which would allow government funding to assure the continuation of passenger trains. This created the National Railroad Passenger Corporation, a hybrid public-private entity that would receive taxpayer funding and resume operation of intercity rail travel. The first working name for the NRPC was Railpax, but by the time the corporation began operation on May 1, 1971, the name was changed to Amtrak, as we know it today.

One last hurrah!

Nobody really expected the corporation to work. Richard Nixon and his staff viewed Amtrak as one last hurrah for the passenger train industry before it quietly disappeared, unnoticed by the public as they flew past in their Ford Fairlane Flying Model T's. Proponents of the act felt that the corporation could go private again after a few years of government assistance. Both sides were wrong, agreeing to disagree in an alternate version of Sirens of Titans where arm wrestling and nude oil wrestling are totally acceptable olympic sports.

Today, the US ranks near the bottom in terms of rail usage per population. And yet, Amtrak lives on. In 2008, Amtrak served 28.7 million customers, representing six straight years of record ridership. As long as the flying car still continues to sit around non-existent, Amtrak has no where to go but up. Shine on, you crazy government owned train corporation!

Lester Bangs: Nothing dies, it just comes back in different forms...

2009-04-30T09:02:00.000-07:00

Regarded by many as the greatest rock journalist who ever lived, Lester Bangs died on April 30, 1982 due to a lethal drug interaction (non-recreational), which is also what killed Nick Drake 8 years earlier.

Bangs, who was based in Detroit Rock City, wrote in the Gonzo style, similar to Hunter S. Thompson and beat authors of his generation. He brought rock n' roll back to a human level by not kissing the asses of the rock stars he was interviewing. He would usually start his interviews off with an insult and take it from there. Since most famous musicians were getting treated like idols or heroes, he decided they needed a kick in the ass, and that rock n' roll wasn't about fame or money or celebrity, but about expressing real, visceral emotions and nothing more; this applied not only to music, but to a way of life, how anything could be seen as "rock n' roll". Attaching the music to any other ideology (capitalism and the music "industry") was basically a load of shit, which he liked to expose in his writings.

Famous for writing about MC5, the Stooges, Gang of Four, Blondie, Roxy Music, Brian Eno, Bowie, Lou Reed, and many others, Bangs made a name for himself pretty quickly. He wrote for Rolling stone in the late 60's and early 70's as a freelance writer, but was fired due his "disrespect" for the musicians he was interviewing, i.e., he didn't want to play ball with the money-making machine. One of his first articles in Rolling Stone was about how MC5's Kick out the Jams was a bunch of crap, which set a precedent for his later work. He then went to work for Creem magazine, a supposedly more progressive and grass-roots run publication. However, Creem was criticized as being run by yet another douchebag, said Bangs in his last known interview, comparing the owner of Creem magazine (at least in my opinion) to a personality akin to Bruce Dickenson in the SNL skit featuring Blue Oyster Cult and the famous cowbell. Creem magazine first coined the terms "punk rock" and "heavy metal", and despite Bangs criticism was responsible for giving punk rock, post-punk, and new wave music it's first real exposure in terms of reviews Bangs also went on to write for the Village Voice in New York.

Lester Bang highlights: His article on Brian Eno, entitled, Brian Eno: A Sandbox in Alphaville (1979), quotes Eno as saying, "I'm terribly attracted to women with ocular damage". His famous interview with Lou Reed, entitled, Let Us Now Praise Famous Death Dwarves (or how I slugged it out with Lou Reed and stayed awake), involved getting Lou Reed drunk and watching him drift into a stupor. Lines from that interview include: "...Lou's sallow skin almost as whitish yellow as his hair, whole face and frame so transcendently emaciated he had indeed become insectival. His eyes were rusty, two copper coins lying in desert sands under the sun all day with telephone wires humming overhead, but he looked straight at me. Maybe through me...".

In addition, Bangs notoriously disliked Bryan Ferry and David Bowie, who he believed used rock n' roll to satisfy their egos (Bowie? Ego?), not caring about the significance of the music apart from themselves and perhaps all the sex they could have by being famous rock stars. I personally like their music, but I can see the possibility of this being the case for Ferry and Bowie, as well as lot of other musicians nowadays. Fame and fortune are powerful motivators, and spectacle and image are powerful tools of persuasion.

For more info on Bangs, check here and here, but not here.

Los Angeles, Your Library is on Fire!

2009-04-29T14:24:00.000-07:00

On April 29th, 1986, a fire broke out in the Los Angeles Central Library which completely destroyed 400,000 books. The remaining 1.7 millions books were smoke damaged, including 700,000 books which were also water damaged.

Firefighters fought fervently for forever, feuding with the fire, finally forcing it to fade into alliteration. The source of the fire was quickly chalked up to arson, but over 20 years of investigation later we still don't know who actually started it. I feel deep down in my heart that there's at least one retired LAPD officer with every scrap of library fire paperwork piled up at home, post-it notes pasted to the walls running from one end of the house to the other (with lines linking one to the next, circles designating the more important ones), and a divorced wife that just couldn't take it any longer.

Another fire broke out later that year, on September 3, 1986, destroying the contents of the music department. The arsonist in this case was never caught either. Copycat arsonist? Disgruntled librarian? Dismantled Libertarian? Arsonist from first fire? The devil summoned accidentally by somebody playing heavy metal albums backwards?

The work that the firefighters did in the April 29th fire was well commended, and properly so. They were able to save over 85% of the library's contents and the majority of the library's structure itself, through hard work and just doing their job. A prior estimation made by the national experts on library fires, as well as a former L.A. City Fire Department Chief Engineer, predicted a fire of this type in the LA Central Library would result in a complete loss.

Maybe the fire was set by somebody trying to prove the library fire experts wrong. Or, maybe it was the library fire experts themselves seeking to prove themselves right, inadvertently proving themselves wrong. We will probably never know.

Mutiny on the Bounty

2009-04-28T10:43:00.000-07:00

April 28, 1789, was when the orignal Mutiny on the Bounty occurred aboard a Royal Navy Ship. Lieutenant William Bligh was commanding the Bounty while en route to the West Indies after collecting "breadfruit" plants from Tahiti. The plants were to be raised in the West Indies as a sustainable source of food for the slaves there, only no one knew the slaves would hate the food and not eat it when it arrived (oops!). Anyways, a seaman aboard the Bounty named Fletcher Christian decided he was "in hell" and needed to get his mutiny on, so he came at the Lieutenant in the night with 18 men, forcing Bligh and a handful of others into a dingy, which was cut loose from the Bounty. What caused Christian to lead the mutiny was perhaps his madness, his greed, Bligh's bad nautical jokes, his divorce to the ship's cook, his divorce to the land (arr!) or the fact that he had quit smoking the same day and was all out of nicotine gum. I think it was his last name, which was a word associated with general madness for ages past (ouch).

Anyways, Bligh made it to Tofua Island, where one of his men was stoned to death by natives. Christian and the mutineers sailed to Tubuai, one of the small islands in French Polynesia, but that didn't work out and they returned to Tahiti for the stiff drinks at the Raccoon Lodge. Bligh ended up sailing the small dingy to the Dutch East Indies and ended up commanding voyages for breadfruit again (still a waste of time because the slaves were never going to eat the fruit). Good one, Bligh! I think you need to stop focusing on cats playing synthesizer in space and get your head in the game!

Christian and the mutineers thought their collective name was a great band name and decided to settle on Pitcairn Island in Tahiti and play surf rock all day. They cleaned out the Bounty and burned the ship down to nothing to avoid getting caught. They married the Tahitian islanders and had children, but their long-term plans didn't pan out because the natives never liked the band name or being treated like slaves, and ended up revolting against them in 1793. After the death of Christian, the power vacuum gave way to other leaders and soon an alcoholic beverage was brewed, which caused drunkenness and oppression of the women, who in turn revolted numerous times to no avail (sorry ladies).

The island was left without another ship on it's coasts until 1808! Damn! In 1825, the last mutineer (John Adams) was granted amnesty for his mutiny, and Adamstown has remained the capital of this land ever since. This success story was brought to you by the Raccoon Lodge, where happy hour starts at ALWAYS!

Expo 67, Montreal

2009-04-27T18:21:00.000-07:00

Expo 67, an official BIE (Bureau of International Expositions) World's Fair, opened on April 27, 1967, in Montreal, Canada. The fair was timed to commemorate Canada's centennial year. During it's six month run, the fair was attended by more than twice Canada's total population (50,306,648 attended Expo 67 when Canada's population was only around 20 million).

The Expo holds the World's Fair record for single day attendance of 569,000 human beings on the third day after it opened. It holds the record for most Canadian baseball teams named after it (Montreal Expos). Expo 67 was a resounding success, despite costing Canada over 200 Million when all was said and done. This was actually a lot less than what was originally expected due to the large attendance that came out to get Wayne Gretzky's prepubescent autograph.

Ranger 4 crashes into the moon!

2009-04-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

On April 26, 1962, Ranger 4, an American spacecraft designed to transmit lunar images back to earth, crashed into the surface of the moon at a fucking ridiculously fast 9600 km/h. Damn!

The strong-fisted leader of the project had no comment on the crash, but later went on to vent to a fellow project manager. The only images returned by the Ranger 4 are few, but some alien life was found in these close up photos: here, here, here, here and here.

The path to the moon was later realized by this man, who went on to show us all what the moon was really all about.

Red Hat Society day - this isn't not your grandma's social club!

2009-04-25T14:19:00.000-07:00

The Red Hat Society is a social organization founded by Sue Ellen Cooper, a woman from Fullerton, Californ I.A., who as a gift one year gave to her friend a red fedora hat (probably not red from the blood of slaughtered babies, but I'm not ruling it out) and a poem (again, probably not covered in baby blood) written by Jenny Joseph:

"When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat that doesn't go and doesn't suit me."

The gift created a bit of buzz, and as a request Sue Ellen gave the same gift to several more of her friends. Eventually, equipped with the poem as a shopping list, the rest of the group went and purchased "one... let me see... purple. and one red hat. and a suit. Wait, no, that's the verb form... one purple and one red hat, please!"

The group refers to itself as a "dis-organization" meant to encourage hanging out, getting silly, drinking some tea, being creative, and creating friendship in middle age and beyond. The red hats and purple outfits are worn exclusively by women over age 50, although the group is open to members younger than that who are required to wear a pink hat and lavender attire to the events until reaching their 50th birthdays.

April 25th is the official Red Hat Society day.

The Trojan Horse

2009-04-24T10:33:00.000-07:00

Apparently, on April 24th, 1184 BC, the Achaeans entered Troy by using the famous "Trojan Horse" strategy. At least this is the traditional date referenced by "Wikipedia".

Once inside Troy, the Achaeans jumped out of the wooden horse, opened the gates for the rest of the Greek Army, and destroyed the city in one fell swoop, thus ending the famous Trojan War. Damn! All the fav's were there: Odysseus, Achilles, Agamemnon, Greater Ajax, Lesser Ajax, and 2X-Ultra Ajax.

The proverb "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth" is often misconstrued as being associated with the trojan horse, but this assertion is verifiably bullshit. It is true that if one had looked the trojan horse in the mouth, they might have got a poison arrow in their forehead or chest, but the true meaning of the phrase dealt with examining a horse's teeth (usually through the peanut butter test) when getting one as a gift. Apparently that wasn't okay back then. Today it would be like asking how much something costs when receiving a gift, or asking where something was bought and if they had a gift receipt, "just in case the gift doesn't work out".

But, uh, back to the lecture at hand, perfection is perfected, so I'm a let'em understand, from a young G's perspective, the trojan horse was a marvel of military ingenuity. To this day, the Greeks use trojan horse's in all their military tactics, which is why they are ranked 27th in global military strength, barely beating Taiwan.

April 23, 1985: Coca-Cola Announces New Coke

2009-04-23T13:49:00.000-07:00

Before Israel vs Palestine, before Ford vs Chevy, before Dennis vs Mr. Wilson, before Marmaduke vs. Garfield, before God vs Jesus, before Noah vs Unicorns, before Tornadoes vs Trailer Parks, before Heroin vs Speed; before all other conflicts (though not in chronological order, or any order i've actually considered) there was Pepsi vs Coke, two giants in the cola industry who continue to battle for king of the cola market to this day.

Over the hundred + years that they've been competing with each another there have been many attacks, strategies, and maneuvers designed to give one market dominance over the other. During one of these battles, New Coke happened.

On April 23, 1985, Coca-Cola announced that they would be switching the formula in Coca-Cola to a new sweeter, smoother formula that would put sunglasses on America's grandmas and teach their breakdancing dogs to slam dunk basketballs. Coke had been losing a lot of the youth market to Pepsi, who had the color blue on their side. At first, America's coke drinkers smiled and bought it up. But some Americans (those who are willing to allow themselves to be deeply offended by a drink) became deeply offended by the drink. This small portion were very vocal about their feelings, stating that Coke's formula was sacred, American, something which should not be muddled with. The rest of the coke drinking population, who never thought to put further significance on the soft drink than just cost and flavor, were suddenly put into defensive positions, forced to justify their support of the new flavor to the cranky New Coke haters in strict, uncomfortable panel discussions reminiscent of the McCarthy era.

Even if I am exaggerating a bit (I was six years old when the new flavor was introduced, so I was too busy smoking weed to pay any real attention), the backlash to New Coke was immense. Within months, Coca-Cola announced that they would be re-introducing the original formula as Classic Coke, which is the coke we drink to this day, but not exactly the coke we were drinking before new coke. When Coke brought it back, they replaced sugar with High Fructose Corn Syrup, but America was so happy to have their old formula back that they didn't notice, or didn't care.

Taking away and bringing back America's favorite drink was the smartest thing Coke ever did. Coke continues to be the number one soft drink in America, and has enjoyed a market share well above what it was before introducing New Coke. There are 2 popular conspiracy theories related to New Coke. The first has to do with their replacement of sugar with corn syrup, mentioned above. The second claims that the Coca-Cola company introduced New Coke and discontinued the old formula with the intention all along of bringing the old formula back. The company denies both theories: "We're not that dumb, and we're not that smart."

Meanwhile, Pepsi stands by, waiting for the right time to drop their next attack: New Classic Crystal Pepsi Extreme!

On your Marks, Get set, LAND!

2009-04-22T15:52:00.000-07:00

The Land Run of 1889 happened on April 22, at high noon. It is said that 50,000 people lined up to get a piece of the 2 million acre pie. Some wily codgers even hid out in the acreage beforehand to get an illegal head start. Had they not done so, they'd have merely been bitter codgers.

The Run probably went down like this (America to Joe Settler):

"Oh, why hello there? Would you like some land settler? Yes? Well, why didn't you say so earlier? You've just been standing there, looking confused and hungry. We just happen to have some of the finest land in this god-fearing country over there in that 2 million acre lot. Yes, just right over there, next to the bouncy house and used cars. Now, your options are as follows: on one hand you have free land for your family and a future of prosperity, while on the other you have starvation, death by scalping or smallpox. To each his own, I say!

Now that you're on board, what you want to do is run out there, waaaay out there, at high noon, and then once you get somewhere you might have to kill some fellow countrymen for a good position, but after that's taken care of - "voila" - it's your land son! It's simple and easy, aside from the risk and probable murdering you'll have to do, but hey, I won't tell (wink). Watch out for ninjas and sickos too. They seem to be everywhere these days. Yeah, I know this whole thing is a great idea - that's why I thought of it fuckface! That's right, where I am pointing: LAND! You eyeballing me boy? Hey, just playing, partner! Now go get 'em you sick bastard!"

Thus, manifest destiny was set in carbonite forever.

Seattle World's Fair: Cold War served up Hot!

2009-04-21T22:46:00.000-07:00

By the time the Seattle World's Fair (also known as The Century 21 Exposition, which IS where Century 21 Real Estate took their name from) rolled around, everybody was sure the Russian's were well on their way to building the world's biggest space needle. Therefore, on April 21, 1962, when America pulled back the giant space curtains to reveal 605 feet of pure unadulterated needle pointing straight up at the sky, the world dropped a collective gasp of shock and awe, pointing at the thing like they'd finally found waldo. There it stood, unarguably the most beautiful thing ever made, ready to co-star with Kelsey Grammar in the 90's sitcom Frazier. The Russians quickly bombed a large building in the center of their town, claiming that their 607 foot space needle that they'd worked so hard on had been sabotaged by free-thinking russian hippies who didn't want no part in no stinking cold war.

But the Seattle World's Fair wasn't built around the unveiling of the space needle. In fact, vice versa. That's right, flip it: The Space Needle was build for the Seattle World's Fair! This was the first World's Fair after World War II, and it was important to America that their space program be shown to be superb and wonderful and the best so America could be crowned Kings of Space once and for all.

Century 21 Exposition had visions of a future that went sci-fi and advanced without departing from what was socially exceptable in the 1950's: Affluence, automation, consumerism, and American power would grow; social equity would simply take care of itself on a rising tide of abundance; women would still be confined largely to the domestic realm; the human race would master nature through technology rather than view it in terms of ecology.

In terms of their vision of the future, the fair was a bit of a failure. But in terms of the space race and the needle, America takes all. The fair ended in a grand ceremony where lady liberty was given a second crown, this one for King of Space, which she wears to this day.